Epiphany.

Pressure.  Familiar with it?  I am.  I put it on myself all.the.time. 

For the last, oh, year, I’ve been in this “do we/don’t we” place about a 3rd baby.  In the deepest parts of my heart I do want a baby…yes, of course I want a baby.  I want to meet that 5th member of our family.  Some days I ache for that sweet baby smell. 

More often though, I am treading water.  The ocean of motherhood threatens to swallow me up – and I wonder how in the world I can parent another child when I feel as though I’m failing with the two that I already have.

Today, I was thinking.  Putzing around my house after drop-off – no agenda, just me.  And the cat.  And an empty, quiet house.   

I realized I was going over a pro/con list in my head.  And it went something like this:

Squishy new baby skin.  Pro.

Lack of sleep.  For like, a long time.  Con.

The excitement of a new beginning – a life.  An addition to our family.  Pro.

Having more independence in our grasp.  Ella potty-training sometime this year (hopefully), both girls learning how to dress themselves, fix their own dinners, do their taxes.  Pro?  For waiting, yes.

9 months wine-free.  Definitely Con.

A 2 year old just starting to figure out her place in the family – and then having to adjust to this teeny being that’s come to take her place as the “baby” (been here, done this, not sure I recommend – 2 years apart can be ROUGH)…Con.

And as I’m thinking and weighing and thinking some more – I remembered what I said to Vann a week ago, “I’m so sick of talking about this.  If we’re going to do it, let’s just pull the trigger already!!”

Huh.

Does THAT sound like a good reason to have a baby??

No, no it doesn’t.

Here’s the deal – I’ve been coming up with all kinds of excuses:

“Well, we really don’t want to have another car payment this year.”

“I definitely don’t want to be sick on my birthday.”

“Maybe we should take that trip to Canada.”

“Yeah, I’m just not at my goal weight yet.”

“I’m turning 34 in March.”

“I really want things to stabilize around here.”

Etc…

Etc…

As my mind is churning I get in the car and head up to school to pick up the girls.  I call Vann. 

A: “I know we keep going back and forth but I really think that XYZ yada yada yada…”

V: Pause.  “What I’m hearing, is that maybe you’re just not ready.”

A: Pause.

V: “Am I wrong?”

A: Pause.  “No.”  

And it’s like the light bulb in my brain went CLICK. 

Because I’ve been masking my true feelings with all of these excuses – and whether they’re valid or not – I really need to call it what it is and say it…out loud…

I’M NOT READY. 

Age be damned. 

In my mind I’ve had this “end-point” to pregnancies – 35.  The “scary” number.  Don’t tell me you haven’t thought it too (and you know I mean no disrespect to my friends who have had sweet, precious babies after 35) but 35 is the “scary” number.  “Advanced Maternal Age.”  Isn’t that what they call it??

I’ve been putting all kinds of pressure on myself to figure out this baby thing before I hit my scary number.  My personal scary number.  It doesn’t have to be YOURS.  But it is MINE.  And here’s what – in all this worry and fretting over my scary number – I’m forgetting the JOY that’s involved in wanting to have a baby in the first place.

The bottom line is that we should have a 3rd baby when we are so excited we just can’t wait any longer.  When we know that the time is right.  Because truly, it is all ordained by God anyway, isn’t it?  I mean, isn’t it really just about giving it to Him and waiting on His timing?? 

After Vann and I talked I realized something else…when we ultimately decided to table this discussion – really, table it fully – for 6 months, well, I felt…

Relieved. 

Yep.  I said it.

I breathed a big sigh of relief.  Oh, Good Lord, THANK YOU.

Because I’m not ready.  Bottom line.  If I weren’t so worried about my scary number I would say we’re waiting a year and leave it at that. 

Well…who’s to say that still can’t be true? 

I still feel like our family isn’t complete.  But I’m over trying to make it all happen in MY timing.

Stick it, scary number.  I’m over you and all of your stupid pressure.  Move along.  Nothing to see here.

Quicksand.

Charlie got sent to the office at her preschool last Friday.  For hitting. 

Fantastic.  She had a little trouble at the beginning of the school year, in September – but after a few weeks she was excelling.  We finished the semester on a really high note and received the sweetest letter from her teacher praising her “warm heart and wonderful spirit” and ended it by saying she thought Charlie was a strong, determined girl who would go on to do GREAT things in life.

Well, of course that had me bawling.  Because Vann and I like to think we know our little girl.  I’ve written many, many times on this blog about my eldest.  She is a strong-willed child, always has been.  She’s smart, quirky, kind-hearted, and full of boundless energy.  Putting both of our girls in preschool was one of the greatest decisions we’ve ever made, but especially for Charlie – who loves school and loves learning.  She is an incredibly social child, loves her “friends” (she even calls her babysitters that) and feeds off of other people.  She needs that interaction.  Sounds a lot like me – although truth be told, she really is Vann’s mini-me in every other way.

So, yes, I know I’m not the only parent to ever receive a bad report about their child at the end of a school day.  And we’ve had our struggles with her behavior before.  But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  And I have a really hard time separating my child’s behavior from my parenting – my worth as a Mother.

Have you ever felt that way?

I know in my heart what a lovely child Charlie is.  And I’m really trying to NOT beat myself up for all of this and give myself grace – but I’m sorry – it is debilitating to even THINK I’m being judged because Charlie doesn’t have complete control over her emotions at 4 years old. 

We are doing everything we can think of to support her teacher’s efforts.  She had privileges taken away.  She spent the entire weekend without her army of stuffed animals in her bed – her most prized possessions.  She didn’t get to go to the park on Friday after school, or watch TV, or have books at bedtime.  We’ve both talked at length with her about her behavior and how we are supposed to treat our friends.  She got a spanking, even.

So imagine my face when she comes up to me this weekend and tells me she’s pooped in her pants.  And then proceeded to do it 3 or 4 more times. 

Really???  Cause she’s been potty-trained now for almost 2 years. 

Infuriating.

At her 4 year well check-up last September, I asked her pediatrician “when” she will cross over that invisible line into the land of a-teeny-bit-more-maturity-ville.  She told me that somewhere between 4 and 5 they (speaking in generals here) start to change. 

I talk to her all the time about being a leader.  That’s one of the things her teachers praises her for constantly – that she’s a great leader in her class.  I know that will serve her very well in life.  If only we can harness her energy and teach her how to use it for good and not for evil.  Ha!

I felt a little bit like I was falling down a well earlier today.  When I called her doc to get her insight on what’s been going on with Charlie, she asked us to come in this week so we can speak face to face.  My mind went there – you know, that she just doesn’t want to tell me over the phone that there is something wrong with my child.  I’m sure it’s more that she just wants all the facts so she can equip me with the tools I need to parent Charlie in the best way. 

Ugh.  Who wants a drink?  I’m popping the cork right now.

You’d better Werk!

So if you had told me a year ago that I would be getting paid to write, I would’ve thought you were crazy.  Like I’ve said a million times before, I’ve always been a writer in my own mind.  But when you’re solely focused on one thing for years, it’s hard to ever think you will do anything else. 

It’s been almost a year since I told Vann that what I wanted for my birthday was to buy my own domain, have someone redesign my blog, make it really about me and what goes on inside this nutty head of mine.  He said, “Easy enough” (and was probably relieved I didn’t want something with a certain monogram on it) and AlmostJuliet.com was born. 

Not long after that I started getting more involved with my MOPS group and got brave enough to actually meet some girls.  I remember chatting with my friend Jen one day about the company she had started.  She told me a bit about it – social media marketing and website development, among many other things – and I guess God planted a teeny kernel in my heart.  At the end of the summer she sent me an email.  She wanted me to write some Facebook prompts for an event one of her clients was having – a written interview, if you will.

I immediately called Vann at work and completely panicked.  What in the heck was I supposed to do with this?  There’s no way she could possibly be interested in me.  No way. 

Fortunately I married a man who is not only insanely supportive of anything I set out to do, but a Master in Communications – literally, from Northwestern University, and in his career – I mean, that is what he does for a living.  He will always downplay his many talents, but the truth is that he’s wicked smart and amazingly gifted with people.  Everybody loves Vann.  And he’s a fantastic listener – which I have to have because you know I spend many hours of the day talking to and about myself.

Anyway, he told me that you never know where God will lead you and what a great opportunity this was to showcase what I can do.  And, hello, isn’t this what I had wished and prayed for, back in February of last year?  Be careful what you pray for, I guess.

So fast forward to today and I am officially a “working” mom.  I write copy for websites, ghost write for blogs, and comprise e-newsletters for our clients…all while continuing my “hobby” of reselling the girl’s clothes on eBay and in consignment sales, serving on the steering committee of my MOPS group as head of publicity, attempting a social life and of course, most importantly, keeping my hubby and two little girls alive everyday (well, Vann can make himself a bowl of cereal, you know, so maybe he can keep himself alive – but the girls are too short to reach the milk).

All of this to say – to my working mom friends – I salute you.  Because I’ve only been doing this for a few short months and I gotta tell you – I’m pooped.  It’s all great stuff – but I feel like I’m having some trouble managing my time and am nervous and sometimes worried that I’m going to get it all done. 

Here’s what concerns me the most – can I be honest with you?  I’ve taken Wellbutrin since I had post-partum with Ella.  I know at some point I will need to wean off of it – but I’m scared.  With my history of depression I’m a tad nervous that all of that old anxiety and helplessness might come rushing back.  I pray that it doesn’t.  What’s great is that I know I have an awesome God who loves me and an amazing support system of wonderful friends here and back in Chicago.  I know that I will never want for true and intimate friendship and community.

So there you have it.  I’m a working mom.  I get paid to write!  How cool is that??

Now if a girl could just find the time to get a pedicure!

Love Letters.

I have this…thing…for grocery stores.  I know – hawt, right??  I might even have a borderline, er, issue: “Hi, I’m Amanda, and I’m addicted to grocery shopping.”  “HI AMANDA.”

I wonder if anyone else happens to frequent grocery stores numerous times throughout the week.  Even when I budget, even when I meal-plan, even when I’m trying to be “good” – all of those delicious rows of perfectly packaged and pristinely lined up products get me all in a tizzy. 

So, without further adieu, my “love letters” to my favorite grocery destinations:

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Dear Trader Joe’s,

Do you know I smuggled a bunch of holiday goodies in a backpack home from Chicago?  So many, in fact, that I had to unload some weight from my suitcase so as not to pay the “heavy bag” fee of $100.  That’s how much I miss you here.  Thank the Lord you are FINALLY building stores in Texas. 

I suppose I’m going to have to start fighting the other mommies for Two Buck Chuck and olive oil popcorn – and oh yeah, that to die for frozen Tikka Masala I used to eat like, everyday.  The BEST frozen section, period.  Oh my mouth just waters at the thought.  And the people are so friendly – and do you think you will have balloons for my 4 year old when we check out?  I do so love the balloons.

Please hurry.  I’m expecting to see some delightful chocolate truffle bunnies around Easter time.

Your biggest fan,

Amanda

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Dear Whole Foods,

I know people call you “Whole Paycheck”, and I hope that doesn’t hurt your feelings.  I’m sure you are doing JUST FINE.  Really and truly, you do be the prettiest, prettiest girl.  I have never witnessed a more glorious sight than your seafood counter at opening time.  The colors!  The feast for the eyes!!  Glory be, it makes me want to cry.  My favorite spot in your store is most definitely your deli and hot bar.  Oh, and the sushi!  The only sushi in a grocery store I would eat – and you have those delish “fruit sushi” spring rolls with that sweet dipping sauce – Oh!  And pie shooters.  Pie shooters ROCK.

Over Christmas I had a delightful bowl of vegetarian chili accompanied by some jalapeño cornbread.  It warmed my soul to the deepest part of my being.  I wish that we could be together forever.

Sadly, I am keeping my distance from you at present – I try to keep you a secret from my hubby but he finds receipts sometimes and I think I might be cut off soon.  So…I will be loving you from afar for a bit.  But don’t think it’s because I don’t love you. 

Always,

Amanda

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Dear Central Market,

I love that you are the fancier version of the tried and true HEB store.  At Baylor we called the HEB near campus “the Ghetto HEB”.  You, my dear, are most certainly NOT Ghetto.  I liken you more to a lovely flower, filled with foodie delights and the most fantastic produce section I’ve ever seen.

We bought our Thanksgiving bird from you last year, and may I say, it was delicious.  I love how at your meat counter you have an old school numbering system.  I like to feel like a “lady who lunches” sometimes and grab a number and wait for it to be called, even though there’s no on else in line.  And you have really good lobster mac n’ cheese. 

Over the holidays you had the cutest little flavored marshmallows – I actually gifted those to quite a few people – definitely didn’t save any for myself. 

I wish you were closer to me.  It makes me sad that we are so far apart.  When I am off my self-imposed grocery store exile I will visit you again…preferably with no crankypants toddler to shuttle around.  I like to take in your beauty with only the voices in my head to accompany me.

Talk to ya later,

A

Resolutions and Other Stuff.

The weeks right after Christmas are ALWAYS a funky time for me.  All that anticipation and build-up – and then it’s January.  And February.  My two least favorite months of the year.  The coldest months and the most dreary.  “But Amanda”, you’re probably thinking, “you love the cold weather!”  Ah yes, I do, but cold accompanied by the festivities of the holidays is so lovely and romantic.  Cold accompanied by…well…nothing is just…sad.  Does that sound crazy?

I often wonder if I have a propensity for seasonal depression.  After having walked through post-partum depression once I am probably more…aware, I guess.  Or maybe I’m just extra sensitive.  I don’t know. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my “New Year’s Resolutions”.  In year’s past, weight issues would always be at the top of my list.  As 2012 begins, I wonder if I’m starting to break through all of those facades I’ve created in my mind about my body.  Granted, I lost 10+ pounds this past year (I’m not gonna lie, that feels pretty great) BUT could it be that I’m finally cutting myself some slack on this road to supposed “perfection”?

I may never be completely happy with the girl/woman that stares back at me in the mirror…and I think that’s ok.  I have felt the little victories this past year – buying a smaller size pair of jeans, for one!  Have I finally learned how to use my curling iron and feel like I’m having a “good hair” year??  Yes!  Is my skin better than it’s been in years?  Totally!  Will I rock a two-piece anytime soon?  Mmmm…probably not.  But maybe it’s time to start celebrating the fantastic things about myself instead of focusing on the things I can’t stand.  I think the time for kindness towards myself is now.

Vann and I had a long talk the other day, about 2012 and what we hope it holds for us.  It feels like any surplus of money these next few years is already spoken for, between home projects, renovations and the potential for a bigger car – that it’s already all planned out.  The truth is, we just don’t know what’s in store in 2012.  I’d love to take a big trip, considering we haven’t been anywhere major (aside from work trips or weekend getaways) since we got married, almost 6 years ago.  And then there’s the million dollar question: do we go from a family of four to a family of five?

So, resolutions – my list is actually small:

• finally learn how to use the Nikon my dad bought us 2 years ago.  yeah, I only know how to point and shoot – embarrassing!
• brush up on my French if we decide to take that Canadian vacay
• reach my weight loss goal by valentine’s day
• have more of a servant’s heart (especially when it comes to things I don’t want to do)

And, a first, as I enter into the spring selling season (eBay and consignment) – refrain from buying ANY boutique-y clothes for the girls for spring/summer.  90% of the nicer stuff I bought them last year is still hanging in their closets with THE TAGS ON THEM.  Play clothes are the ticket this summer – ESPECIALLY because you-know-who will be potty training at some point I’m sure (don’t get me started on that) and it’s just TOO HOT!

So, with that being said, my proceeds this season from selling are going towards…an iPad.  Yep, I’m hoping this motivates me to get this stuff outta here.  And I think if there is money leftover after that I’m going on a shopping spree to Lululemon.  So there.

Anxiously awaiting the return of good T.V. and trying not to shop or go to Whole Foods multiple times during the week = better find myself another hobby.  Happy Thursday!!

Merry Christmas!

Ooof.  Y’all.  Don’t ask me why I’m up at 6:45 am when I went to bed at 2 am.  It’s all Vann’s fault!  For the first time ever, he took my Dad and me to see “Mission: Impossible IV” at the IMAX last night.  At 10:45 pm.  That is completely unprecedented.  Usually I’m the one who is begging him to take me to a late movie – which he almost always does, and even to the ones that involve teenage vampires – isn’t he good to me??  I do have a sweet hubby. 

The movie was CRAZY, y’all – and we all know I love me some good Tom Cruise gossip (although I DO think he is coo-coo for cocoa puffs) and even though his unauthorized biography is chock-full of good tabloid fodder the man is a MOVIE STAR.  He was wearing very expensive suits in the movie and all of his pants were too tight and you know they try to make him look like he’s 6 feet tall although he’s really like, 5 feet.  Supposedly he did all of his own stunts.  Hmmm…I seem to be the stark face of reality in these action movies because while Vann and my Dad are like two kids in a candy store I’m the one very loudly saying things like “NU UH!” and “C’MON!” and “Oh, GIVE ME A BREAK!” or trying to figure out plot points.  I’m a great movie date!

Anyway, after two nights of super fun Christmas parties, I am pooped!  I was just saying to a friend last night that Christmas with kids involves so much prep – and then it’s over in a flash.  I wish the actual day could stretch out a little longer.  It really is one of my very favorite days. 

I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who are still reading.  I can’t tell you how much it has touched my heart to receive so many kind words about my writing.  I’ve trained my whole life for something entirely different than this – but as it turns out maybe all those years of scribbling away in a journal and sending short stories to “Seventeen” magazine were in fact pointing me here.  Vann has been such a champion of this blog since the beginning but especially since last spring when I decided to “up the ante”, as it were. 

At any rate, I’m always convinced no one reads what I write so it’s such a pleasant surprise to hear otherwise.  It really does fill my heart with such joy.  So, thanks.

Merry Christmas, friends – we have Christmas Eve service at church today and then lots to do to prepare for Santa’s arrival!  We also have to go pick out a cake for Jesus’ birthday – a tradition that my sweet niece started and I just love.  Because, as always, celebrating Christ’s birth really IS the “reason for the season” and the most miraculous story ever told.

Luke 2: 9-12:

And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. And the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which shall be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. "And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths, and lying in a manger."

Oh, Pantry.

Oh Sweet Lord, I fear I am losing all self-control. 

I am *this* close to hitting my “goal” weight.  *This* close.  And I have a killer dress to wear on New Year’s – the first year we are going out since before Charlie was born.  SO IT HAS TO FIT. 

But my sweet tooth is conspiring against me, and I may not be able to keep it together.  I’m trying SO hard to track everything – but of course I brought back all kinds of goodies from Chicago (including Garrett’s popcorn) and they are calling to me.  Or should I say, my PANTRY is calling to me.

I’ve told you before that she and I had become quite involved.  I almost had to break up with her after Halloween.  She wouldn’t keep her mini Kit-Kat’s out of my face.  You’d think she wouldn’t be such a show-off. 

So, ok, I need to come clean because I just had a rendezvous with her and might have eaten some peppermint bark, a chocolate-covered Oreo, and a fourth of a pan of brownies.  My name is Amanda, and I’m a holiday food-aholic.  There.  I said it. 

Helllllp meeeeeeeee.