So you may ask, why all the pics of Baby E? Well, they were from that day – decked out in her little “monster” fleece from the Gap – but really everything leads back to her.
We’ve been attending a wonderful church here in Frisco called Hope Fellowship. Even have a small group – everyone is lovely and have young kids and we look forward to getting to know them better.
On Sunday Pastor John started a series about Elijah. And oh my gosh – it was like God was speaking directly to me. It was all about how God uses us in times of strife – how we don’t always know why things are happening but how God sees the whole picture and how we have to learn total dependence on Him.
Going back to Saturday, it was a normal weekend day for us, except that Vann was at my grandmother’s house helping my family with the estate sale. I stayed at home with the girls, and for whatever reason both of them were getting on my LAST nerve. Baby Ella is: cutting multiple teeth, a nightmare in the high chair, seemingly whining ALL the time, and not quite steady on the tile floor, which causes a lot of bumped noggins and a lot of crying.
I’m sitting there, feeding her baby food, again, and she’s spitting everything out. Ok, I think, I’ll try some shredded turkey. Or some cheese. Or green beans. Spitting. It. All. Out.
“Fine!”, I shout at her, “If you aren’t going to eat anything I give you then you can just go to bed hungry. I really don’t care.”
Something else to point out: Daylight Savings Time is a gift for all people except parents of young kids. You may think you are getting an extra hour, but nnnnooooooo. Not when your children are up at 6 am.
So naps are all screwy and she is seemingly ready for bed and it’s only 5:30 pm. Bedtime isn’t for another hour and a half.
I’m looking at her as she’s crying and this wave of anger comes over me. I feel out of control. I feel an amazing amount of resentment towards my sweet child and I realize that if I don’t get a moment to cool down – well, I would never hit my children but let’s just say that I understand how people can get to that place.
I plop her in her crib and close the door. She’s out in two seconds.
I give Charlie her dinner and tell her that I’m going to go do something upstairs and to eat and I’ll be back.
And I barely get up to the playroom before I’m collapsing on the couch with my head in my hands. Screaming in my head – a deep longing for my child to have some independence.
The soonest Early Childhood Intervention can get out to the house is the day before Thanksgiving. I had called already prior to my episode on Saturday. I’m glad they’re coming. I want to know how she’s doing, eating and all.
Look, Ella is a bright and happy baby. She’s super curious and loves to giggle and LOVES her older sister. She plays and picks things up, she does all the things babies her age are doing.
Except for feeding herself. Except for clapping. Except for pulling up on anything.
I can’t help that these three things concern me.
And in my heart, I am resentful towards my baby. I want to tell her to buck up, to be like other kids her age, to pick up a frickin’ cube of CHEESE for goodness sakes, anything!
So back to Elijah, I realized that for whatever reason, this situation with Ella is my Kerith Brook:
1 Kings 17
Elijah Announces a Great Drought1 Now Elijah the Tishbite, from Tishbe[a] in Gilead, said to Ahab, “As the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.”
Elijah Fed by Ravens2 Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah: 3 “Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. 4 You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.”
5 So he did what the LORD had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. 6 The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.
As Pastor John said, God put Elijah in a place of isolated pain - he had to have total dependence on Him. God put Elijah in the Kerith Brook.
And right now, that’s what I feel. God has me in this place – He’s trying to teach me something, about myself, about selflessness, about being a mother. And all it feels like right now is a series of isolated pain.
Check out Pastor John’s sermon here.
What is your Kerith Brook??