Y’all. I am really struggling through something.
I want to shop. Badly.
Nordstrom’s Anniversary Sale starts today.
First of all, I recognize that buying sweaters for winter in the dead of a Texas summer is a ridiculous notion. I do. I know that whatever I do buy will end up nicely folded up in my closet until oh…OCTOBER. Maybe even NOVEMBER. Hmph.
Second of all, there really is no money to spend. We are still knee-deep in moving/buyingahouseandfurnishingit debt. And it really sucks. And we didn’t even buy all that much!
We needed a fridge, washer/dryer, couch, and second car. We splurged on a grown-up bedroom suite. Could we have done with something a little less fancy? Yes. But it’s so pretty!
Vann and I have been so blessed to have no credit card debt up till this point – at least not more than we could feasibly pay off in a month. So trips to Nordy’s in the fall were never an issue. When I think back to our life as dual income, no kiddo folks – oh, all the things we were able to DO!! Gah!! And even after we had kids, we only had 1500 square feet to furnish, and we knew that someday we’d be able to pick out new things so we just made do with what we had.
But we wanted a home, and we wanted to be closer to family, and God opened those doors, and I am SO thankful, don’t get me wrong.
And we don’t want for anything. I know this. I’m even able to fit in my monthly Whole Foods grocery store splurge.
But I’m bummed out. I’m sick of it. It feels really overwhelming. And while I can look around at our home and see where the money has gone, I’m annoyed at our lack of financial freedom these days.
I’m doing what I can. I’m consigning in Divine Consign again this fall. I’m going to start my fall eBay selling at the end of this month. And that will probably generate a little bit of shopping money. But these are the times that I really wish I had some way of generating REAL income. It would be amazing to be making more of a dent on what we owe.
I had an amazing conversation with my friend Rebecca yesterday. We talked about how our hubbies get to go out and have their work measured and recognized – they get raises and promotions and are able to be out there, you know?
Maybe there are mommies who don’t need that sense of recognition. I’m sure some will say that it’s enough to know you are raising your kiddos to be kind, caring, and accomplished people.
Rebecca said, “Yes, on the best day it is more than enough.” I loved that because it’s so true. On the very very best day, when your kids are listening to you and loving on you and giving you kisses and falling asleep in your arms – yes, I say, a resounding yes – being a mom IS more than enough. But we all know how many difficult moments there are throughout our days, and in those moments I CRAVE the thrill of the call sheet, the brand new script at the first read-thru, the first tech rehearsal and those opening night jitters.
Because I do want to be recognized for my creativity. I do want to be recognized for the gifts that God gave me.
So this blog. I am eternally grateful for the people who have lifted me up and loved me along this journey. I’ve always been a “writer” in my own mind – I have boxes upon boxes of journals from my 20’s. (Bet THAT would be an interesting exercise, huh? I should go dig those out and have “Back in the Day” Mondays – or something like that.)
I would love to think that God is preparing me for something even greater – that all of this sort of “organic” growth as a writer truly means something. Because y’all, I really think I could LOVE this. Like, crazy love. Could I really be a writer?? And maybe get paid to do it??
And so that brings me back to my original thought.
I want to shop. Badly.
Better get to selling.