I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine (or two, maybe, who’s counting?) and thinking. Thinking about how weary I am, how sad I feel, how much I want to shed these feelings of doubt and begin again tomorrow.
Because, you see, I was exceptionally hard on myself today.
The “Chicago Winter” of Texas is here to stay, it seems. And believe me, it’s JUST as bad as negative temps. TRUST me. What little I have left my house this week (thanks to a lovely summer cold) has been spent racing the girls to and from the post office/grocery store/what.have.you without melting. It’s too hot to swim, too crowded at the mall (cause EVERYONE is thinking what I’m thinking) and just too MUCH.
You do know that it’s been in the triple digits for like 40 days or something, right? Isn’t that just CRAZY?
So what happens when you’re stuck inside with your two small children who can’t seem to stop torturing each other?
Two words: Cabin. Fever.
When Elmo is the only thing that keeps the peace you know you have a problem.
Ultimately, I took them to the gym, handed them off to childcare, and pounded the treadmill with all the stress and anxiety I was holding onto. And in my mind, I was thinking
I am worthy.
I am valued.
I am a good mother.
I am a cherished friend.
I do have talent.
When someone is whispering lies to you all day – lies that make you believe that you are none of the above – well, it’s very easy for you (for me) to forget these things.
When I raise my voice too many times and scold my children more than usual.
When I pass by the mirror and am worried about the next 5 pounds when I should be celebrating the 5 I’ve lost.
When I overthink and ruminate and drive myself crazy.
When I worry and fret that I might never get THERE – that place of self-acceptance and confidence.
When I second guess and don’t offer myself the same kindness I hope I give to others.
I am happy to put this day to bed.
Happy to give my sin up to the one who will ultimately meet me where I’m at and say
“…Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” – Hebrews 13:5.
I am here.