Almost Juliet...

Quicksand.

2012-01-23T19:12:00.001-08:00

Charlie got sent to the office at her preschool last Friday. For hitting.

Fantastic. She had a little trouble at the beginning of the school year, in September – but after a few weeks she was excelling. We finished the semester on a really high note and received the sweetest letter from her teacher praising her “warm heart and wonderful spirit” and ended it by saying she thought Charlie was a strong, determined girl who would go on to do GREAT things in life.

Well, of course that had me bawling. Because Vann and I like to think we know our little girl. I’ve written many, many times on this blog about my eldest. She is a strong-willed child, always has been. She’s smart, quirky, kind-hearted, and full of boundless energy. Putting both of our girls in preschool was one of the greatest decisions we’ve ever made, but especially for Charlie – who loves school and loves learning. She is an incredibly social child, loves her “friends” (she even calls her babysitters that) and feeds off of other people. She needs that interaction. Sounds a lot like me – although truth be told, she really is Vann’s mini-me in every other way.

So, yes, I know I’m not the only parent to ever receive a bad report about their child at the end of a school day. And we’ve had our struggles with her behavior before. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. And I have a really hard time separating my child’s behavior from my parenting – my worth as a Mother.

Have you ever felt that way?

I know in my heart what a lovely child Charlie is. And I’m really trying to NOT beat myself up for all of this and give myself grace – but I’m sorry – it is debilitating to even THINK I’m being judged because Charlie doesn’t have complete control over her emotions at 4 years old.

We are doing everything we can think of to support her teacher’s efforts. She had privileges taken away. She spent the entire weekend without her army of stuffed animals in her bed – her most prized possessions. She didn’t get to go to the park on Friday after school, or watch TV, or have books at bedtime. We’ve both talked at length with her about her behavior and how we are supposed to treat our friends. She got a spanking, even.

So imagine my face when she comes up to me this weekend and tells me she’s pooped in her pants. And then proceeded to do it 3 or 4 more times.

Really??? Cause she’s been potty-trained now for almost 2 years.

Infuriating.

At her 4 year well check-up last September, I asked her pediatrician “when” she will cross over that invisible line into the land of a-teeny-bit-more-maturity-ville. She told me that somewhere between 4 and 5 they (speaking in generals here) start to change.

I talk to her all the time about being a leader. That’s one of the things her teachers praises her for constantly – that she’s a great leader in her class. I know that will serve her very well in life. If only we can harness her energy and teach her how to use it for good and not for evil. Ha!

I felt a little bit like I was falling down a well earlier today. When I called her doc to get her insight on what’s been going on with Charlie, she asked us to come in this week so we can speak face to face. My mind went there – you know, that she just doesn’t want to tell me over the phone that there is something wrong with my child. I’m sure it’s more that she just wants all the facts so she can equip me with the tools I need to parent Charlie in the best way.

Ugh. Who wants a drink? I’m popping the cork right now.

You’d better Werk!

2012-01-17T12:04:00.001-08:00

So if you had told me a year ago that I would be getting paid to write, I would’ve thought you were crazy. Like I’ve said a million times before, I’ve always been a writer in my own mind. But when you’re solely focused on one thing for years, it’s hard to ever think you will do anything else.

It’s been almost a year since I told Vann that what I wanted for my birthday was to buy my own domain, have someone redesign my blog, make it really about me and what goes on inside this nutty head of mine. He said, “Easy enough” (and was probably relieved I didn’t want something with a certain monogram on it) and AlmostJuliet.com was born.

Not long after that I started getting more involved with my MOPS group and got brave enough to actually meet some girls. I remember chatting with my friend Jen one day about the company she had started. She told me a bit about it – social media marketing and website development, among many other things – and I guess God planted a teeny kernel in my heart. At the end of the summer she sent me an email. She wanted me to write some Facebook prompts for an event one of her clients was having – a written interview, if you will.

I immediately called Vann at work and completely panicked. What in the heck was I supposed to do with this? There’s no way she could possibly be interested in me. No way.

Fortunately I married a man who is not only insanely supportive of anything I set out to do, but a Master in Communications – literally, from Northwestern University, and in his career – I mean, that is what he does for a living. He will always downplay his many talents, but the truth is that he’s wicked smart and amazingly gifted with people. Everybody loves Vann. And he’s a fantastic listener – which I have to have because you know I spend many hours of the day talking to and about myself.

Anyway, he told me that you never know where God will lead you and what a great opportunity this was to showcase what I can do. And, hello, isn’t this what I had wished and prayed for, back in February of last year? Be careful what you pray for, I guess.

So fast forward to today and I am officially a “working” mom. I write copy for websites, ghost write for blogs, and comprise e-newsletters for our clients…all while continuing my “hobby” of reselling the girl’s clothes on eBay and in consignment sales, serving on the steering committee of my MOPS group as head of publicity, attempting a social life and of course, most importantly, keeping my hubby and two little girls alive everyday (well, Vann can make himself a bowl of cereal, you know, so maybe he can keep himself alive – but the girls are too short to reach the milk).

All of this to say – to my working mom friends – I salute you. Because I’ve only been doing this for a few short months and I gotta tell you – I’m pooped. It’s all great stuff – but I feel like I’m having some trouble managing my time and am nervous and sometimes worried that I’m going to get it all done.

Here’s what concerns me the most – can I be honest with you? I’ve taken Wellbutrin since I had post-partum with Ella. I know at some point I will need to wean off of it – but I’m scared. With my history of depression I’m a tad nervous that all of that old anxiety and helplessness might come rushing back. I pray that it doesn’t. What’s great is that I know I have an awesome God who loves me and an amazing support system of wonderful friends here and back in Chicago. I know that I will never want for true and intimate friendship and community.

So there you have it. I’m a working mom. I get paid to write! How cool is that??

Now if a girl could just find the time to get a pedicure!

Love Letters.

2012-01-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

I have this…thing…for grocery stores. I know – hawt, right?? I might even have a borderline, er, issue: “Hi, I’m Amanda, and I’m addicted to grocery shopping.” “HI AMANDA.”

I wonder if anyone else happens to frequent grocery stores numerous times throughout the week. Even when I budget, even when I meal-plan, even when I’m trying to be “good” – all of those delicious rows of perfectly packaged and pristinely lined up products get me all in a tizzy.

So, without further adieu, my “love letters” to my favorite grocery destinations:

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Dear Trader Joe’s,

Do you know I smuggled a bunch of holiday goodies in a backpack home from Chicago? So many, in fact, that I had to unload some weight from my suitcase so as not to pay the “heavy bag” fee of $100. That’s how much I miss you here. Thank the Lord you are FINALLY building stores in Texas.

I suppose I’m going to have to start fighting the other mommies for Two Buck Chuck and olive oil popcorn – and oh yeah, that to die for frozen Tikka Masala I used to eat like, everyday. The BEST frozen section, period. Oh my mouth just waters at the thought. And the people are so friendly – and do you think you will have balloons for my 4 year old when we check out? I do so love the balloons.

Please hurry. I’m expecting to see some delightful chocolate truffle bunnies around Easter time.

Your biggest fan,

Amanda

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Dear Whole Foods,

I know people call you “Whole Paycheck”, and I hope that doesn’t hurt your feelings. I’m sure you are doing JUST FINE. Really and truly, you do be the prettiest, prettiest girl. I have never witnessed a more glorious sight than your seafood counter at opening time. The colors! The feast for the eyes!! Glory be, it makes me want to cry. My favorite spot in your store is most definitely your deli and hot bar. Oh, and the sushi! The only sushi in a grocery store I would eat – and you have those delish “fruit sushi” spring rolls with that sweet dipping sauce – Oh! And pie shooters. Pie shooters ROCK.

Over Christmas I had a delightful bowl of vegetarian chili accompanied by some jalapeño cornbread. It warmed my soul to the deepest part of my being. I wish that we could be together forever.

Sadly, I am keeping my distance from you at present – I try to keep you a secret from my hubby but he finds receipts sometimes and I think I might be cut off soon. So…I will be loving you from afar for a bit. But don’t think it’s because I don’t love you.

Always,

Amanda

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Dear Central Market,

I love that you are the fancier version of the tried and true HEB store. At Baylor we called the HEB near campus “the Ghetto HEB”. You, my dear, are most certainly NOT Ghetto. I liken you more to a lovely flower, filled with foodie delights and the most fantastic produce section I’ve ever seen.

We bought our Thanksgiving bird from you last year, and may I say, it was delicious. I love how at your meat counter you have an old school numbering system. I like to feel like a “lady who lunches” sometimes and grab a number and wait for it to be called, even though there’s no on else in line. And you have really good lobster mac n’ cheese.

Over the holidays you had the cutest little flavored marshmallows – I actually gifted those to quite a few people – definitely didn’t save any for myself.

I wish you were closer to me. It makes me sad that we are so far apart. When I am off my self-imposed grocery store exile I will visit you again…preferably with no crankypants toddler to shuttle around. I like to take in your beauty with only the voices in my head to accompany me.

Talk to ya later,

Resolutions and Other Stuff.

2012-01-05T12:11:00.001-08:00

The weeks right after Christmas are ALWAYS a funky time for me. All that anticipation and build-up – and then it’s January. And February. My two least favorite months of the year. The coldest months and the most dreary. “But Amanda”, you’re probably thinking, “you love the cold weather!” Ah yes, I do, but cold accompanied by the festivities of the holidays is so lovely and romantic. Cold accompanied by…well…nothing is just…sad. Does that sound crazy?

I often wonder if I have a propensity for seasonal depression. After having walked through post-partum depression once I am probably more…aware, I guess. Or maybe I’m just extra sensitive. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my “New Year’s Resolutions”. In year’s past, weight issues would always be at the top of my list. As 2012 begins, I wonder if I’m starting to break through all of those facades I’ve created in my mind about my body. Granted, I lost 10+ pounds this past year (I’m not gonna lie, that feels pretty great) BUT could it be that I’m finally cutting myself some slack on this road to supposed “perfection”?

I may never be completely happy with the girl/woman that stares back at me in the mirror…and I think that’s ok. I have felt the little victories this past year – buying a smaller size pair of jeans, for one! Have I finally learned how to use my curling iron and feel like I’m having a “good hair” year?? Yes! Is my skin better than it’s been in years? Totally! Will I rock a two-piece anytime soon? Mmmm…probably not. But maybe it’s time to start celebrating the fantastic things about myself instead of focusing on the things I can’t stand. I think the time for kindness towards myself is now.

Vann and I had a long talk the other day, about 2012 and what we hope it holds for us. It feels like any surplus of money these next few years is already spoken for, between home projects, renovations and the potential for a bigger car – that it’s already all planned out. The truth is, we just don’t know what’s in store in 2012. I’d love to take a big trip, considering we haven’t been anywhere major (aside from work trips or weekend getaways) since we got married, almost 6 years ago. And then there’s the million dollar question: do we go from a family of four to a family of five?

So, resolutions – my list is actually small:

finally learn how to use the Nikon my dad bought us 2 years ago. yeah, I only know how to point and shoot – embarrassing!
brush up on my French if we decide to take that Canadian vacay
reach my weight loss goal by valentine’s day
have more of a servant’s heart (especially when it comes to things I don’t want to do)

And, a first, as I enter into the spring selling season (eBay and consignment) – refrain from buying ANY boutique-y clothes for the girls for spring/summer. 90% of the nicer stuff I bought them last year is still hanging in their closets with THE TAGS ON THEM. Play clothes are the ticket this summer – ESPECIALLY because you-know-who will be potty training at some point I’m sure (don’t get me started on that) and it’s just TOO HOT!

So, with that being said, my proceeds this season from selling are going towards…an iPad. Yep, I’m hoping this motivates me to get this stuff outta here. And I think if there is money leftover after that I’m going on a shopping spree to Lululemon. So there.

Anxiously awaiting the return of good T.V. and trying not to shop or go to Whole Foods multiple times during the week = better find myself another hobby. Happy Thursday!!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T05:33:00.001-08:00

Ooof. Y’all. Don’t ask me why I’m up at 6:45 am when I went to bed at 2 am. It’s all Vann’s fault! For the first time ever, he took my Dad and me to see “Mission: Impossible IV” at the IMAX last night. At 10:45 pm. That is completely unprecedented. Usually I’m the one who is begging him to take me to a late movie – which he almost always does, and even to the ones that involve teenage vampires – isn’t he good to me?? I do have a sweet hubby.

The movie was CRAZY, y’all – and we all know I love me some good Tom Cruise gossip (although I DO think he is coo-coo for cocoa puffs) and even though his unauthorized biography is chock-full of good tabloid fodder the man is a MOVIE STAR. He was wearing very expensive suits in the movie and all of his pants were too tight and you know they try to make him look like he’s 6 feet tall although he’s really like, 5 feet. Supposedly he did all of his own stunts. Hmmm…I seem to be the stark face of reality in these action movies because while Vann and my Dad are like two kids in a candy store I’m the one very loudly saying things like “NU UH!” and “C’MON!” and “Oh, GIVE ME A BREAK!” or trying to figure out plot points. I’m a great movie date!

Anyway, after two nights of super fun Christmas parties, I am pooped! I was just saying to a friend last night that Christmas with kids involves so much prep – and then it’s over in a flash. I wish the actual day could stretch out a little longer. It really is one of my very favorite days.

I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who are still reading. I can’t tell you how much it has touched my heart to receive so many kind words about my writing. I’ve trained my whole life for something entirely different than this – but as it turns out maybe all those years of scribbling away in a journal and sending short stories to “Seventeen” magazine were in fact pointing me here. Vann has been such a champion of this blog since the beginning but especially since last spring when I decided to “up the ante”, as it were.

At any rate, I’m always convinced no one reads what I write so it’s such a pleasant surprise to hear otherwise. It really does fill my heart with such joy. So, thanks.

Merry Christmas, friends – we have Christmas Eve service at church today and then lots to do to prepare for Santa’s arrival! We also have to go pick out a cake for Jesus’ birthday – a tradition that my sweet niece started and I just love. Because, as always, celebrating Christ’s birth really IS the “reason for the season” and the most miraculous story ever told.

Luke 2: 9-12:

And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. And the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which shall be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. "And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths, and lying in a manger."

Oh, Pantry.

2011-12-20T20:21:00.001-08:00

Oh Sweet Lord, I fear I am losing all self-control.

I am *this* close to hitting my “goal” weight. *This* close. And I have a killer dress to wear on New Year’s – the first year we are going out since before Charlie was born. SO IT HAS TO FIT.

But my sweet tooth is conspiring against me, and I may not be able to keep it together. I’m trying SO hard to track everything – but of course I brought back all kinds of goodies from Chicago (including Garrett’s popcorn) and they are calling to me. Or should I say, my PANTRY is calling to me.

I’ve told you before that she and I had become quite involved. I almost had to break up with her after Halloween. She wouldn’t keep her mini Kit-Kat’s out of my face. You’d think she wouldn’t be such a show-off.

So, ok, I need to come clean because I just had a rendezvous with her and might have eaten some peppermint bark, a chocolate-covered Oreo, and a fourth of a pan of brownies. My name is Amanda, and I’m a holiday food-aholic. There. I said it.

Helllllp meeeeeeeee.

A Beautiful Exchange.

2011-12-18T18:12:00.001-08:00

I think it’s safe to say I’ve struggled with contentment most of my adult life. At first, it was chasing down a dream of success and fame – starting out as a big fish in a small pond and then jumping headfirst into the ocean and having no idea how to swim. Wanting to be recognized for the talent I was sure I had – but unsure of how to live with the scrutiny of the sharks.

But God was there.

Then it was wanting to find someone who would cherish me, love me, take care of me. Someone who would walk me to my door at the end of a date, remember my birthday, make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Someone who wanted me to be “the” one.

God was there, through all those sleepless nights.

After I married my best friend – well, babies, of course! Girls. Especially girls. I wanted to hold an extension of myself in my arms. To be a mother. To love something, really love something, give anything for and to this tiny person that was half Vann, half me.

God was there, as I delivered two baby girls over the course of four years. Both healthy, teeny, fiery, salty, spirited, precious creations.

Our apartment in the city was too small. I wanted to be closer to family, to my Mom and Dad. I wanted to be able to drive to see my brothers, sister-in-law’s, niece and nephew. I wanted to feel the warmth and safety of suburban life. The space, the ability to stretch out and grow if we so desired.

And yep, God was there – in the midst of a cross-country move and our first house and all that entailed starting from scratch.

And so here we are. We’re in our spacious home, and we have all that we could EVER need – and I find that I still struggle with and focus on the things that I DON’T have versus the things that I DO have.

For instance: why isn’t MY tree as beautifully decorated as her tree? Why is she able to afford those shoes and I can’t? Why aren’t we able to take that big trip we’d like to take, and they can? Why did we buy a house that needs updating? What if it takes us awhile to redo our bathroom and replace the appliances in our kitchen? Why is that person doing that play and I’m not? Why is that person able to sing like that and I can’t? And of course, why is she skinnier than me, able to eat more junk food than me, sporting those Cameron Diaz arms I covet so much – oh, the list goes on and on.

But here’s the truth: the Devil loves this. He LOVES this. He can’t believe how great his luck is – I’m his perfect target. All he has to do is whisper one lie and my brain goes into free-fall. It only takes one little push. And he’s won.

But only for the moment, because God is there. And this morning, during worship at church, my heart was stirred. Through the music, the singing, the clapping, the heavenly praise, I felt God’s presence. His gentle hand on my shoulder. His loving embrace.

Here’s another truth: NONE OF IT MATTERS. Do you get that? I’m pretty hard-headed and I’m almost 34 years old – but I think I’m beginning to understand. So I wish I had been the next Kate Winslet, so I wish I could eat donuts until I’m blue in the face and not gain an ounce, so I wish I kept a cleaner home, so I wish I never yelled at my children. SO.WHAT?

What matters, truly, is that I am loved by the Son of God. He sees the big picture. He knows what my purpose is on this Earth. He has trusted me with this life, this family, this home – and all of this is exactly what He has for me, where I’m supposed to be, right now. He is the One who is supposed to sustain me. Not a pair of red-soled shoes, hand-scraped hardwood floors, or a prestigious role on Broadway.

And when I can finally get that through my thick skull, hopefully the rest of it will fade away. It won’t matter. Because He matters.

Holy are you, God

Holy is Your name

With everything I’ve got,

My heart will sing how I love You…

The Boudoir Post.

2011-12-14T05:13:00.001-08:00

How in the world I survived years of casting calls and commercial auditions is BEYOND me. I guess I was just braver then. The thought of it now brings shivers down my spine – literally. I have enough trouble getting dressed for carpool drop-off for goodness sakes (did I really just say carpool drop-off??)!

Ok, to start things off – I never did find that “perfect” thing to wear. You know how sometimes you have to find something to wear to a wedding or something and you only have a small window to shop and not only are you panicked about said garment fitting but the dressing room lights make everything seem more terrifying?? Add that feeling to the one you’d have trying on jeans and/or swimsuits (God forbid) and somebody just give me a drink already.

I got a little lost finding the place – and of course couldn’t go in without coffee so a Starbucks detour was a must. When I arrived, the makeup girl was waiting for me and I promptly sat my butt in the artist’s chair and let her go to town.

Ever had glamour shots made? Oh yeah, I did baby. Have you ever popped that collar? I seem to remember wearing a RED denim jacket. And there might have been a velvet choker.

Don’t worry, this gal had a lot more experience than the makeup “artist” at the Tyler Glamour Shots, but it just brings to mind the AMOUNT of makeup that I had on my face and the fact that it was airbrushed on. Oh yes, if you’ve never had THAT done before…

My hair was BIG, y’all. That was the one thing I told the girl – BIG hair. Messy, bedhead-y. I looked in the mirror when she was done, and I gotta say, I was a little bit…well, shocked, to say the least. I didn’t look like me – but it was me – this doppelganger.

When the photographer arrived, we went over my wardrobe choices and the makeup artist left so it was just the two of us. It dawned on me that she’s seen everything so I pretty much walked around in my skivvies and I thought of Charlie and how she likes to run around naked about once a day – yeah, felt pretty good, I’m not gonna lie.

The shoot went by super fast and the photog made me feel really comfortable – a few times she had me in poses that seemed awkward but now that I see the pics I get it. I never thought all those years of watching “America’s Next Top Model” would pay off, but guess what – they DID. Ha! Booty Tooch, anyone??

So here’s what I learned from my boudoir experience:

I wish that I had felt more comfortable to er, show a little more skin, but I just had to accept that this is where I am in my life right now and let’s be honest: after two c-section’s my skin is more akin to a shar-pei than a Victoria’s Secret model.

I will say that what she did was VERY tasteful and I think I would do it again – maybe after I’ve had all my plastic surgery (you think I’m kidding) and I’m reclaiming my body after a decade of birthin’ babies. I’d think I’d like to revisit this experience again someday.

So there you have it. A keepsake for my honey and a snapshot in time.

I promptly took my full makeup and lashes to the grocery store and bought everything for Thanksgiving dinner. That was awesome. After all, it’s how all the celebrities do it, y’all.

Chitown.

2011-12-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

So I know I haven't followed up on my boudoir post and I PROMISE I will - as I know some of you have asked and I certainly want to deliver all of the deets.

Tonight I'm blogging from Chicago - it's my fourth night here and my visit (a long girl's weekend) has far surpassed my expectations. In the span of 96 hours I've stayed up too late and drank too much, shopped and gabbed, danced the night away and wandered the city streets awash with memories...my entire 20's, spent in this great town.

There really is something to be said for those times spent away from your children. I am a mom, and I love my family, but I'm so many other things as well, and I'm a firm believer that having "you" time only enriches your life as a mother and certainly improves the lives of the little ones you are providing for.

I was a self-absorbed, naive 22 year old when I moved here and I'd give anything to sit down with that girl and tell her how things were really going to turn out. But that's what life is all about - making mistakes, asking for forgiveness, the building up and the tearing down.

But man, HAVE I LIVED. That to me is something you can't put a price on. It is irreplaceable, immensely precious and worth every single second.

I will always and forever have a place to come back to here in the Windy City. And those friendships, the ones that stand the test of time - fill my heart with riches that are beyond compare.

Love you, Chicago. See ya next time.

Boo-dwar, y’all.

2011-11-20T04:39:00.001-08:00

Ok, so it’s the day I’ve been mentally preparing for. I’ve struggled whether I should share this here – it is a private decision – but in the spirit of honesty (and in the event any of you might choose to do the same thing) I’ll spill it.

Last spring I took Charlie to this really cute mother/daughter tea. There were tons of silent auctions – from date nights in hotels to spa days – and one in particular caught my attention. It was for a boudoir photography session.

Yes, I said it. Boudoir.

What is that, you may be wondering?

The dictionary defines it as “a woman’s bedroom or private sitting room”. It’s basically a sassy photography session – you, lingerie (or not), meant for the eyes of your loved one.

I’ve heard of it before – even known a girl who did it – and I was intrigued but I walked away and bid on something else.

I couldn’t get it out of my head though…I mean, when (other than your wedding day) do you have the opportunity to feel like a supermodel? Especially when you’re covered in baby goo most of the time?

I’ve never done this before but I’ve certainly had my share of having my headshot taken, here (good heavens, who is this skinny girl???!!!!):

and here:

Mix in a couple other times and a smattering of modeling experience and oh yeah, my bridal portrait:

aaand that’s my history with the camera. I’ve had my hair and makeup done and felt pampered for the day. But, all with my clothes on – only by the grace of God, I always say!

I’m really surprised I had the chutzpah to walk back over to the table and put my name down to win the boudoir session. And guess what? I must have been the only gal brave enough because I won it and scheduled it back in the summer and now we’re HERE. It’s TODAY.

So I had this mental breakdown earlier in the week (um, who wouldn’t??) about what to wear/buy/bring and finally settled on a couple (I think) good options. I’m walking into this COMPLETELY blind. And it’s a good thing they serve free champagne because I have a feeling I’m going to be needing a lot of it.

Wish me luck!

Ella’s Elmo Birthday!

2011-11-20T03:44:00.001-08:00

Have you ever seen a cake this cute???

Our celebration for little E was a quiet one this year – just Mimi and Poppy and the four of us – lots of red pom-poms and balloons and this stellar Elmo cake from Tart Pastry Boutique & Studio here in Dallas. My sweet friend Michelle came through for me in a huge way – all I did was send her a picture from Pinterest and she completely took over from there.

And the best part?? The inside was vanilla cake with strawberry filling. Uh, what??

Maybe someday my dream of making my own cake will be realized. For now, I’ll just leave it to the experts.

You’ll be happy to know that Ella is now caught up to other kiddos her age. She still has some communication issues (as in, should have more words by this point and should be using more two word phrases) and will continue to receive early childhood intervention (ECI) services for those. Cognitively and in every other way she is officially 2. Pretty great progress for our little peanut since this time last year.

Happy birthday to my sweet, spunky, and recently snuggly (yay for me!) 2 year old!!

Two.

2011-11-08T22:15:00.001-08:00

I don’t know why, but I always feel a little misty when I come home from hanging out with girlfriends. Maybe it’s the year that’s passed by in a blink, maybe it’s the lifetime of memories we left behind in Chicago, maybe it’s the thankfulness I feel to be loved and supported by so many wonderful women out there…whatever it is…I’m grateful for the time away to just be myself. That girl…the one that exists apart from motherhood.

Ella turns two on Thursday. I wish I could say I have better memories of her birth…sadly, the murkiness of post-partum does a pretty good job of clouding those up.

What I do know about birthdays is that I am often reflective – and this one is kind of major because Charlie turned two about two months before Ella was born – which would mean I would be about 8 months pregnant right now if we had decided to have a third baby on the same time frame.

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you’d know that where a third child is concerned, I am often conflicted. Vann and I have been blessed with an easy road as far as fertility goes. I am completely and totally aware and grateful for this. I came from a family of three siblings, so for me, having a third seems like a very normal progression – in the sense that someone is still “missing” from our family.

Where I am hung up is in the area of my selfishness.

I like my wine.

I’ve worked my butt off all summer and finally have a body I am excited to dress for a night out. I love “shopping” in my closet. Seriously, this is a first for me, post-children.

Pregnancy is not easy. Your body is not your own.

Having a third baby affects the rhythm of our daily life.

It affects sleep.

It requires a bigger car, the switching of bedrooms, starting over.

12 weeks of morning sickness so bad you lose 10 pounds because you literally can’t eat anything other than Super Pretzels, stretch marks, leaky boobs, less control of your bladder (you all know I’m right). Yikes.

Am I really ready to go down this road again??

And yet, I turn 34 in the spring.

So – NOT that 34 is old – my beautiful and savvy 40 year old friends, this is for you – I see you having a life again after you drop your kiddos off at “real school” and I’m jealous. Part of me looks forward to that independence – to having “my” time back. To nurturing myself again.

So there’s the conundrum. And to be honest, I haven’t fully figured it out yet. The jury is still out.

For now, I’m going to enjoy this second glass of Pinot Noir and my new jeans and think about it another day. And enjoy and celebrate my baby girl who is turning two. Because she deserves my full attention today.

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Mickey Mouse.

2011-10-29T19:24:00.001-07:00

So Halloween has now become a challenge for me – what will Charlie dream up to wear and how in the world will I make it possible? Last year she requested a “pink dinosaur”. Let me just tell you – I searched high and low for that costume and finally found one on eBay. This year, she was waffling, one day it would be Blu, the bird from “Rio”, one day it would be Lightning McQueen, one day she even told me she wanted to be a “blackbird”. ??? Strange little mind, that one.

I finally made her narrow her list down and she chose Mickey Mouse. Not too difficult, especially when I was in The Disney Store and came across the most fabulous Mickey you’d find. Complete the ensemble with a black tee, black leggings, yellow Crocs and Voila:

And sweet Ella – well, I’m afraid she’s still at the age where she has no choice, so:

My reluctant Minnie won’t keep the ears on to save her life. Here’s hoping I can sneak some type of pic on Monday.

I leave you with a spooky Halloween tale: one that will make your teeth chatter and your knees knock. One of a trip through madness and possibly, candy addiction??

Both girls had parties yesterday, Charlie in the morning and Ella at 2. At the end of the day, I chose to hit Ella’s party first and then walk over to pick Charlie up instead of my normal way, which is to pick my mostly independent child up first and then park as close as possible to the toddler building so I don’t have to carry my mostly always screaming crankypants baby too far to the car. This would probably be fine THIS ONE TIME except for the fact that Ella ONLY wants to walk. She doesn’t want to go in the stroller, or be carried, anymore, period.

And did I mention she’s SLOW??? Bless her heart, her little legs only move so fast – not super conducive to racing to be somewhere (as I am want to do).

I look up at the clock and realize we have 5 minutes to collect her things and haul a** over to the “big” building to Charlie. So we start the long, slow walk and of course I get impatient and try to pick her up to which she starts screaming bloody murder. Keep in mind I have her backpack, her napmat, and her Halloween treat bag – and I’m starting to sweat. Because it’s 60 degrees and I’m wearing a scarf AND hat. I know.

I steel my resolve at the door and ~~just try to make it out alive~~ head into the building and up the stairs. We grab Charlie and her backpack, napmat, and Halloween treat bag and make the long, slow walk back down the stairs and outside.

At this point I’m sweating like a house on fire and ruing Halloween and my children. I order Charlie to stay right behind me crossing the parking lot (as I have no hands for her to hold) and again put my screaming toddler in the football hold and finally make it to the car. By the time I get them both strapped into their carseats I need a stiff drink and a ride to the loony bin. Because I am just that much of a multi-tasker.

I’ve been drinking ever since. Oh, and bingeing on Reese’s Piece’s and mini Twix's, as I am want to do this time of year.

Happy Halloween, to you and yours!!

I'm linking up with Tracy at Sellabit Mum and Jessica at Four Plus an Angel!! Grab the button and join the fun!!

Hoarders: Buried Alive with the Perfect Pout.

2011-10-25T14:15:00.001-07:00

So, I have a bit of a hoarding problem.

Before I had kids, there was really one of two things that made my heart skip a beat. Expensive handbags (although I didn’t have the money to buy them) and this:

Makeup.

Luckily, I have a friend who shares my obsession (EMILY, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), and for many years we enabled each other during all those trips to Sephora and the Nordstrom MAC counter. In fact, I even had birthday parties in my 20’s that revolved around makeover’s at Saks. And as we left the store I would oh so subtly pass by the Dior counter and take a gander at the lovely ladies who stacked the shelves. *Sigh*

So the other day I was reading this article about the “shelf life” of makeup. Ooops. Apparently the max you should keep any makeup is 2 years, tops, and that’s just powder. Lipsticks and eye shadows have an even shorter lifespan – like, 3 MONTHS.

Well, that ruffled my hoarding feathers because…gulp…I’ve had some of these goodies for over 10 YEARS. And not that I use it all, mind you. I’ve just never met something sparkly that I didn’t like.

So I felt like it was probably time to let some of it go. Sad face.

And let me just say, this doesn’t even include the gargantuan nail polish collection I own – OR the bags upon bags of samples I threw out when we moved. Clinique Bonus Time, anyone??

Here’s some good news though – MAC has a recycling program. Did you know that? You can trade in 6 of your (primary packaged, doesn’t include pencils) items for 1 brand spankin’ new lipgloss, lipstick, eye shadow, what have you.

Look at how green I am!! I’m trading in 24 pieces!!

I admit, little girl’s clothing has taken over my life these past 4 years. But I do still love a good stroll through Sephora and I ALWAYS buy new lipgloss palettes when MAC releases their holiday collection. ALWAYS. Which is like…NOW!!

Frightfully Annoying.

2011-10-17T16:11:00.001-07:00

Oh yes, your friend Amanda (aka Martha, Part Deux), attempted a treat for a girl’s night coming up this week. I was made to believe that these were “frightfully easy”. Really? Then how come they are supposed to look like this:

and came out looking like this:

Might be a good idea next time to use chocolate that actually MELTS. AND have enough so these little Caspers are fully robed. It’s like a Nutter Butter peepshow up in here.

The Reluctant DIY’er.

2011-10-16T19:43:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I’ve never been much of a DIY’er (that’s a “Do it Yourself-er”) – admittedly I probably don’t give myself enough credit – you know, that I can actually carry out a project to completion. Maybe I’m just afraid to fail? Yep, I bet that’s it.

My parents are amazing that way – they can seriously do anything they set their minds to. Anything. So it didn’t surprise me that my Dad had yet another brilliant idea for increasing the value of our home. There is a long closet in our garage that we keep seasonal decorations in, and it’s kind of awkward – most of it isn’t being used in an efficient way.

So one day we are standing in the garage and my Dad suggests we knock down the wall between the laundry room and garage closet, seal up the outer door and have it open from the inside – basically creating a second pantry that’s accessible from the laundry room. Sound confusing? Maybe these pictures will help:

Before.

Imagine that the garage closet is directly behind this wall. Now see what it looked like when my Dad busted through the wall this past weekend:

See that walled up doorway on the right? Yeah, my Dad moved the door and put it here:

I admit, I didn’t know what the end result would be – but I knew he had a vision. 24 hours later, he put up tons of shelving and this is what it looks like now:

And in this picture, what you don’t see to the left is the space underneath our back staircase – so plenty of room for all those seasonal decorations.

So this self-professed anti-DIY’er is GEEKED OUT about this pantry. Like, crazy pinning on Pinterest, gearing up for a trip to the Container Store, already painting samples on the walls, ready to tape and get those brushes moving, GEEKED. I’ve seen some AMAZING pantry re-do’s online and I am now SO excited to try my hand at this. Our plan for Pantry, Part Deux is to be the overflow storage for Pantry, Part Un and the most stacked up office closet you’ve ever seen. And when Pantry, Part Un looks like this:

…I know this is going to be a big job. But I can’t WAIT to share pictures along this DIY journey. More pantry inspiration soon.

Wish me luck!!

We Ain’t in Illinois Anymore.

2011-10-04T21:57:00.001-07:00

So I’ve been having MAJOR pumpkin patch withdrawal here in Tejas. I’ve searched high and low, and come pretty close, to finding one akin to the kind they grow in the Midwest, but alas – even if they get the rides and the corn maze right – the apple cider donuts are nowhere to be found. And I loves me some apple cider donuts.

We made a day out of it last weekend – pumpkin patching it, that is – and settled on a little farm in East Texas, Yesterland Farm. It was super cute. I thought it would be overrun with crowds, but it wasn’t, so yeah for that. It wasn’t hot yet and my parents even met us there, which thrilled C to no end.

Baby Ella on the other hand, was being her prickly toddler-ey self, refusing any and all snacks we offered her, not wanting to be held or put down – basically acting like the 16 year old-trapped-in-an-almost-2-year-old’s-body that she is.

Despite her best efforts at grouchiness, we managed to get some pretty good pics:

Turns out that corn dogs will cure any malady – that is, until said corn dog is dropped in the dirt and rendered inedible.

But we pressed on – wearing matching “vintage” (2008, like a fine wine) Matilda Jane knot dresses. Ella’s was C’s when she was almost 2. Aw, nom nom nom little pudgy-legged crankypants, I love ya.

C’s dress was an eBay find. I’m such a good hunter and gatherer.

C posing in front of a wagon filled with pumpkins.

Like two little old ladies – sitting in their rockers down on the farm. Or a Cracker Barrel, maybe?

And in this pic you’ll note the brand new penguin converse. Why I put new shoes on her to tromp around in the dirt, I don’t know – BUT again, I am such a good hunter and gatherer.

And finally…the face-painting. So I guess the lady drew too long of a tail and made Charlie a dino moostash. And then she over-compensated by painting an extra long neck on the long-neck. I’m all for doing fun stuff like this, but I have to say – I was pretty happy it washed off quickly because it was kinda…well…weird. But of course, the girlie loved it and wanted to know why she couldn’t “wear the dino to school”. Because, my darling, you look like you have a DINO MOOSTASH.

And so, to conclude, no donuts. No apple butter, no apple streusel, no fresh pies and no apple pancake mix. I know, I know – it’s fall and I’m apple-obsessed. It’s probably a good thing because I’ve been baking and eating too much pumpkin ice cream.

See why I need to bank in an extra five pounds during the holiday season? I’m helpless against the powers of baked goods/all things peppermint-flavored/salted caramel mocha’s!! Gah!!

Charlie, Forever 4.

2011-09-28T21:34:00.001-07:00

So I’m having a moment.

I was looking through pictures of Charlie in her school clothes – yes I am a nerd and plan out her outfits and sometimes I even think about it when I’m laying in bed trying to fall asleep – and all of a sudden I had this flash of a tween Charlie. Skinny legs and a cute little mod haircut…that impish grin on a 10 year old…Good Lord, what am I in for?

This picture, for instance:

I mean, really – how tall does she look here?

And here:

These days she is afraid of the dark.

She doesn’t like being dropped off at school without a proper hug and kiss.

She carries at least one “friend” (read: stuffed animal, preferably of the dino/reptile/bird persuasion) with her evey single day.

She requests “macanoni” for “breaksast”.

She prefers to run around the house in just her skivvies.

If she had a handbag, she would want to carry the cat around in it.

She collects coins.

There is definitely chocwate milk running through her veins.

She’s seen the movie “Rio” about 500 times.

She’s only 4.

So what happens when she’s 6, 8, 10?? She won’t be so little anymore. Will she still need me? Will she think I’m super uncool? Will she still let me plan out her outfits?

I Heart Weight Watchers.

2011-09-25T11:07:00.001-07:00

So I did something I haven’t done in years.

I bought a scale.

I know.

A really good one, too. Accurate.

Which is great because I’m gonna need to keep track of things with the holidays coming. Because I LOVE the holidays and I LOVE goodies like peppermint bark and caramel apples and pumpkin pie.

Because I’ve lost 12 pounds.

12 pounds! I haven’t seen this weight since BEFORE I got pregnant with Charlie.

It seems crazy to me, that I even had that much to lose. That somewhere in the last year I got to the place where none of my clothes were fitting, where getting dressed was a huge effort and incredibly upsetting.

But today, getting ready for church was actually fun. I looked forward to it! In just over three months, I’ve almost reached my “goal” weight! So to anyone who thinks they can’t do it, you can!

I think Weight Watchers should hire me as their next spokesperson, don’t you??

Fall!!

2011-09-18T15:40:00.001-07:00

I’ve been such a bad blogger.

What with wrapping up the fall consignment/eBay selling season, the start of school for the girls and MOPS for me, and some other fun things that have dropped in my lap, I haven’t had much time to sit down and focus on my little corner of the web.

The triple digits are (hopefully) on their way out. Thank goodness because I’ve been wearing my new scarf every.single.day, even though it’s 80 degrees. Which brings me to the purpose of this post: fall shopping.

I know, I thought it was beyond me this year! But then I turned a sweet profit from selling so shopping: here I come!!

On the books:

This AH-MAZING scarf from Scout & Catalogue. It’s huge but super-light. I’m obsessed with it!

This darling tunic/dress from Fossil. I got this little silver belt to go with it. Adorable!!

These two lovelies from Nordstrom. Love boho blouses and cowlnecks!!

Happy Fall, y’all!!

We Will Never Forget.

2011-09-11T20:51:00.001-07:00

So when we found out that we were moving I decided to do a little “blog project” to commemorate our departure. I grabbed my camera and spent a couple days taking trains and cabs to all of the locations that had meant something to me over the past decade in sweet home Chicago.

One of the places I visited was a commercial photography studio, the home of my first “real” job in the city. It was also the answer to the question, “Where were you when…the twin towers fell??” You can read my original post about that day here.

Now, 10 years later, the memories are as fresh as the day that great tragedy happened. I think it is just CRAZY if you weren’t deeply affected by all the ceremonies and memorials shown today…and yet I’m sure there are some who go about their daily lives and September 11th is nothing but a passing thought.

For me, it was a game changer. I had been living in a huge metropolitan city for a year and was far away from my family. I will never, ever forget the feeling of standing outside that studio and looking east into downtown at the Sears Tower. It was a beautiful, crisp day in the WIndy City as well, and who’s to say that a 5th plane wouldn’t have found its way to us.

I believe that man is inherently evil. I believe that it is only through Christ that we are forgiven and given Eternal Life. I also believe there is a very special place in Hell for the men that drove those planes into the twin towers, the Pentagon, and that field outside of Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

At the end of the day, I know as a Christian that my God is a good God, a just God. And I know that justice will be served. But I can’t live in fear. I KNOW that fear is not from God.

What I DO know is this – Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

We will Never Forget.

Psalms 91:1 -

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

Saying Goodbye.

2011-09-08T11:57:00.001-07:00

My high school drama teacher, Jan Jones, passed away this past Tuesday. Although I haven’t seen or talked to her in years, the memories of my time with her came rushing back when I heard the news.

We moved to Tyler the summer before my junior year. I was the new girl, once again, and I’m sure the sheer presence of this very tough woman had me shaking in my boots. Our relationship was definitely love/hate, and there were times that I was sure she was out to make my life miserable.

I was 17, very impressionable, eager to please, wanting to fit in but shine on my own at the same time. I was rebellious and selfish, a diva in my own mind. Looking back, I’m sure Jones saw me (and hundreds like me) walk through her doors and tough love was the only thing that kept me focused.

I think deep down, I always held it against her that she never gave me that role – the one that would surely bring me applause and accolades – the one that would prove I was really something special.

Instead, I was a supporting player and the Vice President of our drama club, somewhat behind the scenes, always just in the middle…average is probably the word I would have used at the time.

And yet, I think back to her tough love and at 33, I get it. If it weren’t for her making me practice my tin man walk for an hour (Yes, I was the Tin Man in our children’s production of “The Wizard of Oz”), circling the inside of the theatre in tears (I so remember the tears), I don’t know if I would have had the guts to go to Baylor to major in theatre performance.

I don’t know if I would have had the guts to throw myself into the program there and literally leave my soul out on the stage for four years.

I wouldn’t have gone to NYC for the summer before senior year of college to study acting and live in Gramercy Park BY MYSELF.

And I definitely wouldn’t have gotten on that plane to Chicago 11 years ago with my dad’s $100 bill and 6 suitcases, ready to start my life.

So really, I have a lot to thank Ms. Jones for. She made me hungry, gave me a will to succeed that has stayed with me all these years.

Good night, Jones…

OBVIOUSLY…

2011-09-07T21:29:00.001-07:00

…we were very excited about school starting this morning:

Dino-Mite!!

2011-08-29T12:03:00.001-07:00

You know you’ve just had a killer birthday party when you’re too tired to do anything but lay on the couch and eat cake. It’s just too much trouble to clean up the tissue paper and deflated balloons, so you leave the mess for tomorrow and hope your toddler/cat doesn’t swallow anything they shouldn’t. You order in because all meal-planning has gone out the window and dishes and the laundry start piling up – but all you can do is crawl into bed for a 3 hour nap.

The dinosaur party for Charlie’s 4th was a huge success. We rented a gargantuan bounce house/water slide and I have to recommend it to everyone – a crowd pleaser in this triple digit weather and worth every penny!! Here’s Charlie trying it out before her friends arrived:

I found these inflatable dinos at Oriental Trading Company and they were a hit as well! Good thing we don’t have any furniture in the front part of our house because it’s looking a bit like the “Dinosaurs Alive!” exhibit at the Ft. Worth Zoo. Vann and I actually woke up to a T-Rex standing in our bedroom doorway.

Pink and green were the colors of choice – and you just can’t have a party without balloons, now can you??

Mimi drew hot pink dino tracks leading up to our front door…

And a special friend was there to welcome the party guests…

And outsourcing the cake turned out to be THE best decision EVAH. Chocolate with raspberry filling?? Yes, please. Goodbye, Weight Watchers points…for the year!!!!

The kids came in from outside to sing “Happy Birthday” and eat the spectacular cake…

…and then went back out for some more waterslide action. More of those pics to come courtesy of Poppy (I stayed inside where it was COOL!!)…

And last but not least…

…some pink dino cookies to take home as a parting gift…

And we have a happy little girl who turns 4 on Thursday. She thinks her birthday started last week and will last every day until her next birthday. Hmm…turns out the apple doesn’t fall tooooo far from the tree…

My BFF.

2011-08-24T18:47:00.001-07:00

I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine.

She and I are like sisters. She’s been there for me nearly every day since I had my two babies.

She’s provided hours of support. She’s held me up when I needed it. She’s a port in the storm.

Who is she??

Meet…

…my Scary Pants.

She’s a beaut, isn’t she??

Coming soon, as birthing swag, to a hospital near you.

A Sauna of My Very Own.

2011-08-22T13:50:00.001-07:00

When I was pregnant with Charlie we were living in our 2 bedroom apartment in Chicago.

No central air.

3 window units.

Vann would come home from work to find me in front of the dining room window unit with my shirt up over my belly. With my hands braced against the glass, I would stand there, all.day.long, letting that coooool air penetrate every last cell of my being. OMG was it hot up in there!

Ah, those memories linger…

Especially because last night our downstairs unit went kaput.

Oh, yeah.

It was a lovely temp outside – 106, I think?

Here’s what our thermostat reads today:

84 degrees. Inside my house. And could get worse before the day is up.

And, as a bonus, my bathroom is like a sauna! So there’s no need to spend money on expensive spa treatments – I’ll just sit on the edge of my tub for 20 minutes.

Staycation.

2011-08-19T09:50:00.001-07:00

Whew, it’s been a little heavy around here, no?? Well, in an effort to lighten things up a bit, I thought I would tell you all a little anecdote about my dear Charlie.

Awhile ago Mimi offered to keep C for the week prior to her birthday party – which actually works out perfectly because Divine Consign is the same weekend and I still have yet to tag all my items and bag them up for drop-off next Friday. I made the executive decision to spare myself a lot of stress and have her cake made instead of giving my baking skills another go. Good call.

So earlier today we were in her bedroom because I told her I needed to pack her bag and she promptly stomped past me and drug it out herself. She then filled it with all of her “friends” and practically sat on it to get it zipped. Sound familiar? I’ve had to do that a time or two.

When I told her I needed her bag for her actual clothes she stomped past me and drug out the two items she told me she was going to wear next week: her Emler Swim School t-shirt and a pair of too-small shorts. Then she told me that Vann and I aren’t allowed to sleep at Mimi’s – we are to drop her off and come back home, making sure we take Baby Ella with us.

Which then made me think that Vann was probably going to be thrilled to get an entire night’s sleep without a toddler showing up at his bedside at 2 am demanding to go potty.

Toddler Staycation @ Mimi’s house = Happy and Rested Daddy.

Hmm. This could work in my favor.

Especially because I really want these:

Do you think he’ll be THAT well-rested???

You Are Loved.

2011-08-10T20:23:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine (or two, maybe, who’s counting?) and thinking. Thinking about how weary I am, how sad I feel, how much I want to shed these feelings of doubt and begin again tomorrow.

Because, you see, I was exceptionally hard on myself today.

The “Chicago Winter” of Texas is here to stay, it seems. And believe me, it’s JUST as bad as negative temps. TRUST me. What little I have left my house this week (thanks to a lovely summer cold) has been spent racing the girls to and from the post office/grocery store/what.have.you without melting. It’s too hot to swim, too crowded at the mall (cause EVERYONE is thinking what I’m thinking) and just too MUCH.

You do know that it’s been in the triple digits for like 40 days or something, right? Isn’t that just CRAZY?

So what happens when you’re stuck inside with your two small children who can’t seem to stop torturing each other?

Two words: Cabin. Fever.

When Elmo is the only thing that keeps the peace you know you have a problem.

Ultimately, I took them to the gym, handed them off to childcare, and pounded the treadmill with all the stress and anxiety I was holding onto. And in my mind, I was thinking

I am worthy.

I am valued.

I am a good mother.

I am a cherished friend.

I do have talent.

loved.

When someone is whispering lies to you all day – lies that make you believe that you are none of the above – well, it’s very easy for you (for me) to forget these things.

When I raise my voice too many times and scold my children more than usual.

When I pass by the mirror and am worried about the next 5 pounds when I should be celebrating the 5 I’ve lost.

When I overthink and ruminate and drive myself crazy.

When I worry and fret that I might never get THERE – that place of self-acceptance and confidence.

When I second guess and don’t offer myself the same kindness I hope I give to others.

And so,

I am happy to put this day to bed.

Happy to give my sin up to the one who will ultimately meet me where I’m at and say

“…Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” – Hebrews 13:5.

I am here.

You

are

loved.

The Art of Cakemaking.

2011-08-09T05:01:00.001-07:00

So for years my dear friend Megan has made her daughter’s birthday cakes from scratch. They are always darling and you know she spent hours painstakingly and lovingly baking and decorating them.

It’s no secret to anyone that knows me that I am.not.a.baker.nor.a.cook. However, sometimes I do sell myself short. I thought, “why not?” and decided that I, too, was going to make a cake. For Charlie’s 4th birthday.

So I googled dino cakes and came up with a really cute template from Betty Crocker’s website, gathered all my materials, and set aside an afternoon to tackle this culinary masterpiece.

The most important lesson I learned was in the art of crumbs. Apparently one should freeze or refridgerate a cake before frosting it? Otherwise, this is what happens:

Hmph.

Blasted crumbs!

This was proving to be a little more difficult than I had anticipated. Not to be deterred, however, I sought the advice of some well-versed baking friends via Facebook and popped this bad boy in the fridge in the hopes I could resume icing it in an hour or so.

Let me just show you what the cake was supposed to look like:

…aaaanddd what it ended up looking like:

Ah yes, you are all very sweet, but let’s just say that my career as a cake-maker might have just ended before it began.

And to make matters worse, a piece of this cake is about a million Weight Watchers points. So I can’t even ENJOY the fruits of my labor!!

I’m on a cake-making strike!!

Someone Save Me.

2011-08-03T11:53:00.001-07:00

Well, we are in it…the Texas equivalent to the Chicago winter…oppressive and never-ending.

Y’all, it is so hot. I mean, fry an egg on the sidewalk kinda hot. I took the girls to the custard shop yesterday just for a break in the madness at home and you should have seen Baby Ella’s face. She was beet red and sweating like a house on fire. Woo, and WAS.SHE.CRANKY. She’s definitely my daughter: needs her sleep and hates being hot. And I mean HATES.

So I know I’ve said this before, but I’m terrified of the pool this year because Charlie really can’t swim yet and Ella is all over the place – and really, what’s fun about trying to keep the both of them from drowning?? I know I chose to move back here, and I have no regrets, but I’m starting to figure out that I am really a colder weather gal. I would much rather have a cabin in Colorado and wake up to the fresh mountain air than a house on the beach in Malibu. Honestly.

I love being cozy. I love wearing a chunky sweater that’s just long enough it covers my hands. I love a hot cup of coffee and a briskness in the air.

I will say that aside from these few months in the summer, the weather has been lovely here. I was able to walk with the double BOB from October to May. There were those few weeks in the winter that the roads were icy and scary and the schools closed, but most of the year, you can throw a blanket over your kids and head out the door.

Anyway, the girls had camp last week and I was very spoiled. It was the perfect balance of productivity and unadulterated me time. Ah, I cashed in my Mother’s Day massage and took myself to the movies. It’s a glamorous life, isn’t it?

Don’t envy me too much – this week I’m back in the throes of pre-terrible two’s tantrums and 30 questions a minute courtesy of you know who and you know who.

So today I am in my jammies still (yes, it’s 2 pm) and I’m very busy scouring eBay and procrastinating going to the gym. I figure these are the lazy days of summer, yes? Emphasis on the LAZY.

I just keep telling myself the fires of Hades will break soon and one day I will again join the land of the living. Until then, I will dream of Fall and ignore my children, as usual.

Getting Down to Brass Tacks.

2011-07-27T13:32:00.001-07:00

It was weigh-in day today, y’all. And to celebrate, I ate a huge breakfast. Whoops.

Anyway, guess what??

I’m down 5.6 pounds. Oh, yeah – I’m counting those ounces.

Hallelujer!!!!!

I figured things were going well when I tried a dress on in Anthropologie on Monday and it actually looked pretty great. Yes, there was some potential there.

That almost never happens. The leaving the dressing room happy thing?? C’mon. You know I’m right.

5-10 pounds on a petite gal really makes a difference! I mean, it makes a difference regardless of how much you have to lose – it’s the space between sizes.

I’m pleased that I don’t feel deprived – I’ve actually had my fair share of sushi meals and even (GASP) wine – and have still managed to stay “on plan” for a month now. 4 weeks!!

So I’m not done, no way. Still have work to do. But I’m getting there.

And that feels pretty freakin’ great.

Shhhh…

2011-07-22T21:03:00.001-07:00

I’ve been keeping a little secret.

No, I’m not pregnant.

Good Lord, no.

(Pause.)

I joined Weight Watchers.

There. I said it.

I just got sick of complaining about that stupid 5-10 pounds and decided to DO something about it. I have a couple friends who have done it with great success…so I put on my big girl panties and went to a meeting.

I know. I was so nervous, my palms were sweating.

Just to get this out of the way – I know that in the grand scheme of weight loss I don’t have THAT much to lose.

But I am a crazy person. And I was making myself miserable (miserable, I tell you!) with the amount of negative self-talk churning around in my brain.

The first step was to log what I ate – which I did, on my new iPhone (I know, we are so behind), for a week. Every piece of food that went in my mouth. Turns out this is a really great thing – it cuts out all those Oreo binges I’ve been having in the pantry. Oh, my pantry and I had become quite involved.

The second step was to make the hardest decision of all – cease and desist all vino drinking during the week.

(Silence.)

Yeah, I know. Here’s my problem with wine: I love it. Too much. I can’t stop at just one glass. And, it’s not so easy on the waistline.

Sad face.

The third step was to pay my $40, set up my eTools and attend the dreaded said WW meeting. And you know what? I was nervous but it was actually really informative and no one threw tomatoes at me.

It’s been 3 weeks, and I’m happy to report that all of my strategies are working. I think. We will see next Wednesday when I, gulp, weigh in again. Ah yes. It’s enough to drive a girl a LITTLE bit crazy.

And I might have had a LITTLE bit of wine last night.

Whatever. Back on track today and cutting myself some slack.

(She says, rifling through the pantry for the last Oreo.)

Because I love to torture myself…

2011-07-17T08:40:00.001-07:00

I thought I would share what I’ve got my eye on for Fall/Winter:

Nordy’s Knit Ruana w/ faux fur trim…

Nine West Seventies Croc Multi-strap Sandals – PERFECT with a little dress and opaque tights!

AG “Stevies” from Anthropologie – can’t get these out of my head!!

Luxury Rebel “Brady” Boot from Nordstrom – salivating here.

Le Sigh.

Carry on.

What I Like About Me.

2011-07-15T11:15:00.001-07:00

My wonderfully talented blogger friend Tracy posted a link-up to Elena at Ciao Mom…Elena is challenging all of us to write about the things we do like about ourselves. It is so easy to list off the negative things, isn’t it?? I know I could use a little positive self-talk today. So, here goes:

What I Like about Me (in no particular order):

1. I love my hair. Especially after getting my highlights fixed. Ohmygoodness, that first day, I swear I was looking in the mirror ALL.DAY.LONG. It’s the perfect length right now for putting up and wearing down.

2. I love that after all my hard work I’m starting to see some great muscle tone in my arms. It makes me feel strong!

3. I love my skin. I struggled with acne half my life – but something happened after I had kids. Ha, a good thing – my skin cleared up and it has really never looked better.

4. I love that I clean up really well. I spend so much time in yoga pants and baseball caps – admittedly, it’s just easier and I’m all about comfort – but I don’t know if if was all those years of collecting makeup instead of kid’s clothes or just the love of all things girly, but I enjoy a good “getting ready to go out” process.

5. I think that I have pretty great style (ignore the words yoga/pants/baseball/cap).

6. I think I’m pretty funny. And I tell a great story. Especially after a glass of wine or two.

7. I’m fiercely loyal.

8. I’m a great gift giver. I LOVE giving gifts. It is truly one of my most favorite things to do, ever.

9. After all the crazy squats I’ve done over the past 4 months – I am proud to say that my quads are rock solid!! Woot!!

10. I’m a great Mom.

There. I feel better already!

Can’t.Stop.Singing!!

2011-07-15T10:33:00.001-07:00

I heart Brooke Fraser. Her second album, “Albertine” was on permanent replay in my car until it went missing. Vann says that maybe it’s in another CD case – cause, you know, I have a bad habit of mixing up cases. Ooops.

This is one of her “latest” songs. I think I’ve listened to it about 50 times today. Catchy, huh??

Sweaters and Stacked Heels.

2011-07-15T10:21:00.001-07:00

Y’all. I am really struggling through something.

I want to shop. Badly.

Nordstrom’s Anniversary Sale starts today.

Boo hoo.

First of all, I recognize that buying sweaters for winter in the dead of a Texas summer is a ridiculous notion. I do. I know that whatever I do buy will end up nicely folded up in my closet until oh…OCTOBER. Maybe even NOVEMBER. Hmph.

Second of all, there really is no money to spend. We are still knee-deep in moving/buyingahouseandfurnishingit debt. And it really sucks. And we didn’t even buy all that much!

We needed a fridge, washer/dryer, couch, and second car. We splurged on a grown-up bedroom suite. Could we have done with something a little less fancy? Yes. But it’s so pretty!

I digress.

Vann and I have been so blessed to have no credit card debt up till this point – at least not more than we could feasibly pay off in a month. So trips to Nordy’s in the fall were never an issue. When I think back to our life as dual income, no kiddo folks – oh, all the things we were able to DO!! Gah!! And even after we had kids, we only had 1500 square feet to furnish, and we knew that someday we’d be able to pick out new things so we just made do with what we had.

But we wanted a home, and we wanted to be closer to family, and God opened those doors, and I am SO thankful, don’t get me wrong.

And we don’t want for anything. I know this. I’m even able to fit in my monthly Whole Foods grocery store splurge.

But I’m bummed out. I’m sick of it. It feels really overwhelming. And while I can look around at our home and see where the money has gone, I’m annoyed at our lack of financial freedom these days.

I’m doing what I can. I’m consigning in Divine Consign again this fall. I’m going to start my fall eBay selling at the end of this month. And that will probably generate a little bit of shopping money. But these are the times that I really wish I had some way of generating REAL income. It would be amazing to be making more of a dent on what we owe.

I had an amazing conversation with my friend Rebecca yesterday. We talked about how our hubbies get to go out and have their work measured and recognized – they get raises and promotions and are able to be out there, you know?

Maybe there are mommies who don’t need that sense of recognition. I’m sure some will say that it’s enough to know you are raising your kiddos to be kind, caring, and accomplished people.

Rebecca said, “Yes, on the best day it is more than enough.” I loved that because it’s so true. On the very very best day, when your kids are listening to you and loving on you and giving you kisses and falling asleep in your arms – yes, I say, a resounding yes – being a mom IS more than enough. But we all know how many difficult moments there are throughout our days, and in those moments I CRAVE the thrill of the call sheet, the brand new script at the first read-thru, the first tech rehearsal and those opening night jitters.

Because I do want to be recognized for my creativity. I do want to be recognized for the gifts that God gave me.

So this blog. I am eternally grateful for the people who have lifted me up and loved me along this journey. I’ve always been a “writer” in my own mind – I have boxes upon boxes of journals from my 20’s. (Bet THAT would be an interesting exercise, huh? I should go dig those out and have “Back in the Day” Mondays – or something like that.)

I would love to think that God is preparing me for something even greater – that all of this sort of “organic” growth as a writer truly means something. Because y’all, I really think I could LOVE this. Like, crazy love. Could I really be a writer?? And maybe get paid to do it??

And so that brings me back to my original thought.

I want to shop. Badly.

Boo hoo.

Better get to selling.

Feelin’ Good.

2011-07-06T23:14:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, I was blessed with a dear friend who also happened to be my hair stylist. Sweet Jen – she is just one of those people who just radiates natural talent and is so hip it’s really not fair to the rest of us.

For a long time I considered my hair my “calling card” – it was one of the only things that didn’t require a diet or a gym membership to maintain. If you have good hair, you have good hair.

We moved and it’s no secret that one of my greatest fears was never being able to replace her (as a stylist of course, because she will always occupy a special place in my heart as my friend and sweet sister). After trying to scrimp and save a little money over the past year – even entering into the world of box color, which for blondes can be an utter failure – let’s just say you get what you pay for.

I have always told Vann that if money grew on trees I would never wash my own hair again. One blow-out on Tuesday and one on Friday, and BAM – sexy bedhead 24-7 – no muss, no fuss.

Well – I think I’ve found my fairy godmother again – in the form of my new friend Amanda. She just opened a salon/boutique/darling jewelbox of a space called The Style House, and I think I’m in love. Here’s how my morning went:

Check-in, coffee. Browse through boutique, coffee.

Show the amazing Anne my collection of Jennifer Aniston pics. Must have face-framing highlights and yoga-ed body (although, sadly, Anne can’t help me with that one):

(Really???!!! I mean, take THAT Brangelina!!!!!!!!)

Highlights, cut, more coffee, much squealing.

Curling iron instruction, waves.

And

Voila!

Sometimes it takes an army to make a Mama feel like a million bucks. And today, I did. I felt like Cinderella at the ball.

Well, not really. But maybe after a little roll in the hay.

Sexy bedhead, get it???

Oh, and then I got a brow and (gasp!!) lip wax (shhhhhh!!!!!!), had a lovely catered lunch, and

will probably never wash my own hair again.

Run, don’t walk, to The Style House!!

Conviction.

2011-06-29T21:55:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I think I might be the WORST mother out there. I’m not trying to get sympathy – just being honest.

I’m feeling super convicted tonight about the way I’ve been treating Charlie. My mom suggested today that C’s frustrating behavior as of late could be due to the extra attention Ella’s been getting…and I think she might have hit the nail on the head.

All these months of struggle and feeding challenges and a 20 month old who is still not walking completely on her own – I wonder how my sweet eldest has dealt with all of it, emotionally. I’ve noticed myself really praising E lately – especially as she has made such amazing progress and is doing so many cute things. It’s sort of delayed, you know – all of these little milestones she should have reached months ago. To see her putting the buckle of her car seat up to her ear and jabbering on to an imaginary friend – well, it’s just too much. In a good way.

And Charlie? She gets my raised voice, my impatience, my short temper. She even gets shame. Yeah, she had tinkled a little in her pants during rest time and when she came downstairs to tell me, I scolded her and hurried her into the bathroom to finish the job, scowling the whole way.

Yuck.

Not feeling too proud of myself tonight.

I just went up and checked on her and she’s lying sideways in the bed, deep in sleep. She’s 3 for goodness sakes, and sometimes I expect so much more out of her – like she should just know better.

The truth is, I should know better. I’m the adult. I’m the parent. I’m the one who is supposed to know when to keep my cool. I’m the one who needs to control my inner tantrum. I’m the one who knows and recognizes my sin nature.

I would throw myself in front of a bus for that little girl. I would take a bullet for her. Sometimes, when I think about her mortality I get a little weak in the knees. I’m assuming she will be this little forever, that she will always be mine, that she will never leave me.

I want to love her better. To put her needs above my own. I want to love her unconditionally. To be a safe respite for her – not a place of harsh words and disapproval. I want to push my own selfishness aside and teach her the way.

So, I’m praying for a better day tomorrow.

Do you ever have days where you feel like you have a lot to learn?? Where your selfishness reigns supreme??

Chatty Kathy.

2011-06-28T18:55:00.001-07:00

As I type this, Vann is putting Charlie down for the third time. You know you have an issue when your older child starts feeling like more “work” than your younger child – because you know, a little person who can get her own milk and go to the potty by herself should have more independence than your baby still in diapers. Or so you would think.

I love Charlie SO much. She is a hilarious child; full of questions, spunk, and imagination. But man, she is in a super-needy phase right now and I think she and I might benefit from a little break from each other.

I find that I yell more than I have in the past. And when your 3 year old starts stomping around huffing and puffing in exasperation you figure she probably didn’t get it from Mickey Mouse. Newsflash: I’m not too great at hiding my frustration. Yeah, I know – you’re shocked.

My city mom friends would tell the funniest stories about their 3-4 year olds when I had my one baby and that phase seemed forever away. “Does she ever.stop.talking???” was a common complaint. Well, I can tell you, I get it now.

Case in point -

This week we rented “Finding Nemo” from the library. ALL DAY LONG Charlie was assigning names to Ella and me:

C: “No, Mommy, her name isn’t Baby Ewa it’s Nemo.”

C: “Mommy, what is my name again?”

Me: “Uh, Marlon.”

C: “Mommy, what is your name again?”

Me: “Uh, Dorrie.”

C: “Mommy, Nemo’s going down the potty, we have to save him.”

and the usual fare:

C: “Mommy, I need a snaaaaack.”

C: “Mommy, I’m going to work.”

C: “Mommy, do you live here?”

And so it goes. And so I say about my loveable little chica:

“Does.she.ever.stop.talking???”

Inspiration.

2011-06-22T11:01:00.001-07:00

I’m feeling inspired today.

It’s great having creative friends, isn’t it?? Really, the kind that are so talented and gifted at something that you just can’t believe it?

I thought I might share a few of my favorite blogs…

Tracy from Sellabit Mum is a true inspiration to me. She’s a mom of 3 girls and she gives it to you straight. No BS, no faking it, no trying to make everything look perfect. And yet her girls are sweet and gentle and truly good kids. I love that she blogs about the struggles of motherhood – and of course the fantastic things too – she’s real.

My new(ish) friend Michelle has a blog called the Blah Blah Blah blog. She is so cute. And her house is too. She just has that “touch”, you know? Everything she does/writes about is magic.

My sweet friend Haley’s sister Caitlin has a wonderful blog that I just started reading and am so captivated by. It’s called Roost. Check it out!

So speaking of creativity, I long for it in my own life. This blog, what started out as a way to share pictures of the girls with family has really become everything to me. Ask Vann – I am often worried that no comments equals my words out there in the blogosphere going unread. And yet I know that I read a ton of blogs and only comment once in awhile. But a little of this whole blogging thing is wanting approval, yes? At least, I think so, if we are being honest with ourselves.

Can I admit something to you, in this safe place I call home?

I miss the applause.

I miss hearing the praises of my work onstage. I miss the feeling of contributing something, of being someone else, studying life…being told that I’m really good at something. Back in the day, I was good. Really good. And yet, somewhere it slipped through my fingers like water.

And now that I feel like my passion for writing has been renewed through this blog, I just wish I knew the big picture. I wish I knew what God has in store for me, for my life. I want to feel like I’m using my gifts and talents to their fullest. That I’m making an impact, saying something, doing it all.

I’m creating a blog for my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group this summer. I’ve never done anything like that before. I’m a little scared but excited. And of course, I’m a mom and keeping two little people alive everyday. It’s a full-time job and I love it but I need something for me. I have to have something for me.

So I pray for peace. I pray that God has the perfect place (be it the stage or something else entirely) for me to express who I am: as a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I pray for that acknowledgement. I pray that at the end of a long day, after the girls are tucked in and the house is picked up and the sun is setting…I am not forgotten in the hustle and bustle of life. That God doesn’t forget about me and the desires of my heart.

Fashion by C.

2011-06-21T06:02:00.001-07:00

Ok, so it’s been awhile since I’ve posted any real pics of the girls. Since Charlie has been expressing a lot of personal style lately, I thought I would share.

Here is a shot of Charlie and her bestie Emi. Emi and C have been buddies since they were 6 months old. It was a riot seeing these two reunited last week when E was here for a visit. This could be an ad for Matilda Jane, as they are pretty much head-to-toe (aside from the “Cars 2” flip-flops and “my train conductor” hat from Children’s Place).

Next up we have a romper by Nellystella – all ready for her friend Kelly’s “Wizard of Oz” themed bday party. Don’t you think the foam ladybug hat from Michael’s dollar section is so fetching??

And finally, all dressed up for Father’s Day (aside from the aforementioned flip-flops, which are now the bane of my existence because the things will not stay on her feet) in No Added Sugar, by far one of my VERY favorite brands…so splurge-worthy!!

I should say that I asked her to “pose” for me and this look (complete with the hand on the hip) is what I got:

Ah, my little free spirit.

Father’s Day.

2011-06-19T08:11:00.001-07:00

Yup. I screwed up.

All Vann wanted for Father’s Day was to sleep in. No taking anyone to the potty, no leading girlies back to their beds, none of those fun nighttime rituals.

I had all these plans to get the ankle biters out of his hair: a walk bright and early, before it gets hot? a trip to the donut store? daddy waking to both Charlie and I covered in batter, baking him a Pillsbury Funfetti cake in the kitchen?

Sadly, none of these things occurred because after I got up with Charlie at 6 for the standard pottydaddymommywillyouturnthetvonformeupstairs conversation, I apparently went back to bed and entered a coma-like state. The next thing I know, it’s 8:30, Vann is doing the breakfast routine, I’m still in bed, and I have no time to get ready for church (as his other request was “going to church as a family”).

Fantastic.

I’m really not sure what I did to deserve a man so giving and loving and willing to sacrifice his Father’s Day morning so that I can sleep in.

Vann and I have a pretty harmonious marriage. But this past 18 months has been the hardest time in our relationship, and I know he goes unrecognized for all of the juggling he does in our family life. The truth is that I couldn’t have asked for more in a husband. God blessed me with a man who is kind, generous, selfless, and wicked smart. Some of my favorite times with my hubby are when we are watching something on TV and he explains things to me in “layman’s terms” and we end up having these amazing conversations, about politics, and history, and life.

He is respected in his job and is notoriously a “people person” – which pretty much means that everybody loves him.

He has dreams for his family and for his girls, is fiercely protective, and has never micro-managed me or my need for time to myself or with girlfriends.

I have an amazing Dad who always puts his family first – even though I am 33 he makes sure I have good tires on my car. He climbs up into the attic of our house in the middle of the Texas summer to check our a/c unit. He fusses over my girls and has the answer to EVERYTHING.

My Dad has lived a wild life (he was an Olympian in the 1988 Calgary games and has had lunch with Prince Albert at the palace in Monaco – just to name a couple examples), and sometimes I’m sure he is an intimidating pair of shoes to fill.

But Vann is well on his way to being the kind of father to our girls that my Dad has been to me. And even if they don’t know it at 10, or 15, or even 25, they will – when they become mothers and get married and enter their 30’s – they will “get” it, and love him more than they ever thought possible.

So honey, I’m sorry you didn’t get the morning you were hoping for. I will try to do better next time. Until then, know that we love you and can’t live without you.

Happy Father’s Day.

A Saturday Night With Vann…and The Ladies.

2011-06-17T21:30:00.001-07:00

So last Christmas Vann and I were at Costco and happened upon the complete series (including both movies – good and bad) of “Sex and the City”. Of course, we had to pick it up.

Now, Courtney (my dear roomie from my first few years in Chicago) and I didn’t have HBO back in the day – so we had to meet at Tavern 33 on Lincoln Ave. to watch the show every Sunday night – back when SJP was at the height of her popularity (although I will always love her) and every single girl in the city drank Cosmopolitans.

I mean, we all had our Mr. Big’s, didn’t we? Our Aidan’s, our Harry’s, our Steve’s? I know I did.

It never grows old. Tonight we were watching Season 2 – when Carrie and Big get back together for the second time and he still can’t commit, yada yada yada. Oh, the sheer reality of it all!

What it really made me wistful for was the City itself. Getting dressed up, nights out on the town, cabs, 2 am, too much wine and a little bit of boozy kissing – let’s be honest, you know you’ve been THERE – and all.the.butterflies.

So why does all of that change after you have babies? I don’t mean it changes forEVER – like it never happens – because of course we still have date nights – but it’s just not the same, you know. Where Vann and I are now, we hope and pray we make it till 6 am before a certain 3 year old is crying by the side of the bed complaining that her “covers are all twisted up” or the classic “I can’t find Ducky!”. Bleary-eyed, one of us (usually Vann) leads her back upstairs to her bed.

It’s easy to romanticize the pre-kiddo days, isn’t it?? Funny how when I was on those dates with Vann all I wanted was for him to utter the words “future” or “we should do that this Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s”, you know, any sign of a commitment. And now? Commitment is what we got. Ironic, no??

Ah, the grass is always greener, isn’t it?

I wonder sometimes if my sweet hubby wishes I put makeup on more than once a week, for church on Sunday. I wonder if he wishes I kept a cleaner house. I wonder if he thinks he might like to see me in something other than workout clothes.

Oh, honey. You really are the best. The most fantastic partner, friend, father, husband. I love you and hope you know how much your girls adore you.

Here’s to more fantastic city-like date nights in our future.

A Year of My Life.

2011-06-12T08:52:00.001-07:00

I read an article once that a high percentage of women would give up a couple years of their LIVES to have the perfect body.

Well, I didn’t take that poll but you know, I get it. My journey with negative self-talk in regards to my body started a long time ago, and when I look back at the things I complained about when I was teeny…it makes me want to slap the old me. Used to be, being a size 2 was the pinnacle. I would sit in casting agency waiting rooms and inwardly freak out as model after model would filter in. I’m sure you’ve heard this story before: my patented mantra was “I am a child of God, I am a child of God” – it was the only thing that kept me sane in that world of beautiful women.

Now, mind you, I smoked a lot of cigarettes at the time. And I didn’t eat much. Once when I auditioned for a “movie” (I use that term loosely only because I’m not really sure how much “production value” there was), the director told me I didn’t get the part because I needed to lose a little bit of my “roundness”.

Just wanted to let that feel good moment sink in.

See??? How can you not have a pseudo eating disorder with that kind of encouragement everyday???!!!

Vann would say that back then I was never happy with my body. Which pretty much means that my sweet hubby has had to listen to me bitch about yo-yo dieting and portion control for 6 YEARS. Sorry, honey.

Here’s what I don’t like hearing: “But think about what your body DID???? YOU GAVE LIFE TO SOMEONE!!!!” Yes, I love my girls, but I don’t love the body they left behind. Sound selfish?? Well. There it is.

Let me just put out there what we are ALL thinking: after you have babies your body is just never going to be the same. I don’t care if you’re Heidi Klum – the VAST majority of mamas in the world have to work their asses off to even attempt to fit back into those pre-prego jeans.

Which brings me to yet another lifestyle change for this girl.

I’ve been working out since last fall. I’ve done boot camps, started walking outside again with the girls, anything and everything to help jumpstart this process back to the old me. When I didn’t reach my goal by my birthday in March, I turned it up a notch. I discovered Turbofire. I’ve been taking Turbokick classes and spin (and doing TF dvd’s at home) for over 6 weeks now. 4-5 days, sometimes 6, a week.

Never in my life have I ever done this much bleeping cardio.

And I step on the scale at a friend’s house (because I don’t own one) and wait for it…I’ve GAINED weight.

Errr. What??

Not a ton, but a little, enough to worry me and enough to scare me off of alcohol (because even if it’s a Skinnygirl margarita, it defeats the purpose if you have them every night of the week) and my nightly S’more. I just don’t get it!! I’m not sure if I’ve been over-compensating for the huge amount of exercise I’ve been doing by buying a little more ice cream, or indulging in another glass of wine…thinking that if I’m burning 600 calories in class I can surely have the freedom to eat what I want.

Sigh. So would I give up a year of my life to not have to work so hard?? To have a lean surfer’s body like my girl Cam??:

Possibly.

Most likely.

But, if it matters, I have learned how to throw a mean punch.

Stretch Marks.

2011-06-07T21:21:00.001-07:00

So, this morning Charlie and I were doing our usual dance:

I tell her to go potty (she can do it BY HERSELF now, you know - she likes to remind me).

I watch her streak naked through the living room as she chases the cat.

I tell her with a slightly raised voice to go potty so we can leave.

She picks up tampons and offers them to invisible friends as “Smarties”, to which I tell her no, no, those aren’t edible.

I yell at her to go to the potty or I’m leaving without her.

She tells me she loves the color pink and goes. But not without telling me where the tee-tee is coming from. Beautiful.

Anyhoo – this morning I was getting dressed as we were doing our dance and she walks right up to me, points at my stomach and says,

“Mommy?? Why you have these?? Did you get old like Mimi??”

Silence. Crickets.

“Um”, I reply, “No, no, honey. These are what Mommies sometimes get after they have a baby in their tummies.”

“Oh.” She pauses. “I want to be Pingu for Halloween!!”

So naturally this is how I dealt with the feel-good comment of the day:

Just Some Odds and Ends.

2011-06-05T11:25:00.001-07:00

We just dropped Baby Ella off at Mimi’s house yesterday – she’ll be there for a week and I think it will be great for all involved. I really do feel like God has renewed my affection for my littlest one these past couple months. She is coming into her own, but anyone who’s had an 18 month old knows it is one of the most exhausting stages in early child parenting (at least, in my own humble opinion).

She’s so BUSY. I cannot take my eyes off that girl and she’s already zipped up the back stairs. And the sibling stuff – omg it is just so exhausting, and it’s just beginning. So to have a week with just one of them is really a gift, for them and for me.

So far, I’m told Baby E has walked the length of my parent’s house with her shopping cart about 10 times. She’s even stepped away from the table towards my mom, without holding onto anything. It really is only a matter of time before she is running everywhere. What an enormous blessing!!

She’s a feisty one. At 19 months, E definitely has her opinion on things. She has a temper, and isn’t afraid to let you know when you’ve sufficiently ticked her off. On the other hand, she has the cutest giggle and “talks” constantly, often using any small object as her cellphone. It’s pretty darn cute.

So what on earth, you may be wondering, are you going to do for a week as a one child household?? Weeeelll, I’m glad you asked because I have plans; pool dates with friends, a long, leisurely stroll through Central Market, a kid’s matinee or two, daily gym visits (as I should have no fear of being called down to collect a screaming baby) and some quality one on one time with C.

We are in the midst of a struggle with our oldest and I’m not sure what to do. She’s been waking up in the middle of the night, hysterical and irrational, wanting to sleep in our room. Charlie has always been an amazing sleeper, since she was 6 weeks old…Vann and I are at our wit’s end with these midnight temper tantrums. A friend recommended this book – it seems that many of our friends who have 3-4 year olds are dealing with some type of behavioral struggle these days. So, this might be the week to give it a try.

In other less serious news, we’ve decided to have our guest bedroom and bath done this summer. This bathroom about did me in – and we almost didn’t buy this house because I was so turned off by it:

I know, I know, if it’s cosmetic, it can be fixed!! Haven’t you ever watched HGTV??!!! I admit, I was bothered by the cosmetic updating that needed to be done. After almost a year of living here, I recognize we bought a wonderful house on an excellent lot and with love and care, and yes, money, we will be able to put our stamp on it and make it (even more) fabulous.

So, the first step, is tackling our “patriotic bathroom” and removing the lovely stars and stripes border and spongy blue wallpaper, then texturing and painting. After poring over painting magazines all weekend, I think we might be going with a lilac, orange, chocolate brown, and white palette – with both rooms coordinating in some way. Can you tell I’m a little geeked about it??

Anyway, nothing too earth-shattering on this end to report. I’m looking forward to a little less busyness this week.

Anniversary.

2011-05-26T11:29:00.001-07:00

This weekend marks a very bittersweet anniversary.

On this day a year ago, our apartment was totally boxed up and ready to load. The girls were safely in Texas already, and Vann and I were saying our last goodbyes to the city that was our home and the birthplace of our family.

I will never, ever forget that feeling – a year from this coming Sunday I stood in our alley and kissed my hubby goodbye and watched he and his Dad drive away, two 16 foot trucks filled with our worldly possessions. I said thank you to our motley crew of sweet men who came to help us, fighting to hold back the tears but ultimately losing it in front of them, causing lots of shuffling feet and sidehugs.

I sobbed as I made my way up the back porch into our empty apartment – this precious home where we walked through so much happiness and so much struggle. I stayed back for the weekend to clean and hand in our keys.

I just re-read this post about our old home and man, I am in tears once again. A whole year has passed in the blink of an eye and yet it still feels like it happened just yesterday.

I watched Oprah’s finale last night, and one thing she said really resonated with my heart:

"I've talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: 'Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?”

I felt like God knocked me upside the head. I’m laying in bed with Vann next to me asleep, and I’m crying, and in my mind I’m screaming, “Oh Thank the Lord it’s not just me!”

A year ago one journey was ending and a new one was beginning. We left the safe place, we knew the rules, we knew how to play the game, in Chicago.

I admit, I don’t know how to play the game yet here in our new life. But that doesn’t mean I won’t learn. And I know that God is always here, waiting for me to be still…and listen.

Bday.

2011-05-23T01:30:00.001-07:00

So what does one do when it’s 2 am and you can’t sleep?? Google 4 year old birthday party themes, that’s what!! I almost can’t believe it myself – is it possible that Charlie will really be 4 years old in September?? (And yes, I do realize that it’s only the end of May. I like to plan ahead sometimes.)

When she turned 1 we had a backyard Aloha extravaganza. Then, when she turned 2 her party was “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” themed and may I say, SO cute – right down to the golden ticket invitations, the fabulous cake, and the long researched outfit.

Last year we had literally JUST moved and it was such a crazy time. I reluctantly decided to go low-key (for both girls, I might add, Ella had a teeny family party for her 1st birthday last November). It was so hard!!

I do realize that I am entering into the world of kid-chosen themes vs. mommy-chosen themes, but check out what I found anyway. Do you think I can talk her into any of these??

DinoFour!

DinoROAR!

Totoro (Charlie is very recently into the “Japanese Disney” Studio Ghibli movies – Totoro, from “My Neighbor Totoro” is a giant wood spirit. Yes, charming and trippy all at the same time.)

Down in the Garden

or, dare I suggest – a Kenga party??

Which of these do you think matches my spunky girl’s personality??

Oh! And you know what?? My sis-in-law inspired me to potentially…wait for it…

make.my.own.cake.

Can you see me rolling out fondant and making little marzipan penguins?? Now, THAT would be something to see!! Better keep the wine corked till after the fact!!

Fearfully and Wonderfully.

2011-05-15T21:38:00.001-07:00

Saw “Bridesmaids” tonight. HIGHLY recommend. Warning: crass, rude, all of the things you know you shouldn’t really laugh at but do.

Underneath the bathroom humor there was a lot of warmth and truth and real life. Truly. It is an incredibly funny film and Kristen Wiig – I mean, she might be my new hero. The girl is brilliant.

So I think I might be sabotaging myself.

I know, I kinda just came out with that – but it’s almost been a year that we moved from sweet home Chicago and I find that I am somewhat afraid to let new friends “in” – as if I’m just saving myself the rejection I feel I will ultimately have. Why, I don’t know. I really, really wish I did.

I miss those “all access” kind of friendships. The kind where you can show up at that person’s house with a bottle of vino and a box of kleenex (at 10 pm, mind you) and just have it out – not with each other but with LIFE.

It’s probably no wonder I’m struggling – I spent the better part of my 20’s in the city and I don’t have the luxury of “growing up” with the gals I’ve met here – although, believe me, God has really provided and been faithful – but I wonder if I’m holding people at arm’s length – which is SO not like me. I usually dive in headfirst.

Something to examine, to be sure.

Because what if people get to know me and they don’t like what they see?

What if?

I think “this” feeling is the feeling I hope to shield my daughters during their childhood/teenage years. I’ve been the “new girl” a lot in my life – granted, my 33 year old “new girl” experience is a lot less traumatic than my 15 year old “new girl” experience – but still. If I can help it – I’d love to know that my girls will not have to suffer the heartbreak of saying goodbye and starting over.

Don’t get me wrong – I know that we are exactly where we need to be and I’m not sorry about moving and I don’t have regrets, at all. I’m just learning to navigate this new life.

And, just to be clear, this has nothing to do with the outside world but all to do with me. What, exactly, is stopping me from building meaningful relationships? What, exactly, am I so afraid of?

Here’s the thing: I recognize that as a 33 year old woman and mother of two that my “story” is a valuable one and that I have just as much to contribute as the next person.

A verse I’ve always loved is Psalms 139:14. It says: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Fearfully and Wonderfully.

So basically with great awe and astonishing wonder, God created me.

Whose voice am I really listening to?

So, what’s on your nightstand??

2011-05-08T08:26:00.001-07:00

Messy and all over the place, right?? I realized I may have a problem when Vann pointed out to Charlie this morning, “Mommy has a LOT of stuff on her nightstand.”

Remember that thing I said about giving up the dream of reading books when you are a Mom of small children??

Exhibit A.

All in a Day’s Work.

2011-05-08T07:00:00.001-07:00

So a few weeks ago I was trying to decide whether or not I should volunteer for the steering team of my MOPS group (that’s Mothers of Preschoolers – and if you are a mama of little ones you should DEFINITELY join!). Vann and I were talking about it and he said, “Well, you ARE an experienced Mom now. You really do have something to contribute!”

Huh. Experienced, you say?? Sometimes – no wait – MOST of the time I feel like I’m barely hanging on. So to say that I’m an “experienced” Mom now seems very foreign.

And so, in honor of Mother’s Day, I give you:

Amanda’s Do’s and Don’ts of Expert Motherhood

1. Do let your 3 year old make her own breakfast. Then you can sleep a little longer.

2. Don’t EVER, whatever you do, be on time for ANYTHING. Always leave your house with only 5 minutes to spare. Really. It makes the day go so much smoother.

3. Do throw Nemo fruit snacks and M & M’s at your child. All day long. Just to get them to STOP bothering you.

4. Do forget about ever having the time to read a book. Give up that dream, sista.

5. Or, just get your magazine reading fix in while your children pummel each other. Every so often you can look up and yell, “Stop that!” or “Seriously??” just to get your point across.

6. Do beware the witching hour(s) between 3 pm and 5:30 pm. These will seem like the longest hours of your life, but I promise, if you have another Mom to drink with, the time will pass by much quicker.

7. Do invest in cute baseball caps.

8. Do leave your Mom “trappings” all over your house. Really. Your husband will LOVE it. That includes but is not limited to: Hoodies, Flip Flops, your Blackberry, and your iPod which you are constantly uploading with new Disney music.

9. Don’t let your stash of emergency junk food get low. Sometimes all it takes to feel more in control is to stand in your pantry and binge on chocolate-covered Peeps.

10. And finally, Do take a deep breath and take it all in – because the days are long but the years are short, as “they” say. Someday you will actually be able to go to the potty in peace – but where’s the fun in that??

Happy Mother’s Day.

Mi Chiamo Amanda.

2011-04-27T21:04:00.001-07:00

Look at this girl. Fresh-faced. Pristine highlights. A body untouched by stretch marks…a concave belly. Ah…those were the days.

We found our long-lost honeymoon pictures. We thought they were a casualty of the move, so I knew Vann had discovered a gem when he came running up the stairs to upload the memory card the other day. This picture was taken in Florence. Yeah, that’s Italy. My darling hubby planned this amazing trip through some of Italy’s greatest cities: Rome, Florence, and Venice. And let me tell you, it was amazing. Looking back at these pics just confirmed to me how wonderful it was.

No one warned me how exhausted we’d be after the wedding…and EMOTIONAL. Oh Lord, poor Vann – I burst into tears the second we checked into the Four Seasons our first night and didn’t stop crying for DAYS. So embarking on an almost 3 week trip through the Italian countryside was a lot. We almost wished we had just saved all that money and spent it on a beach house for 3 weeks – eating, sleeping, you know – not travelling to a new destination every few days, in and out of suitcases…

But NOW, seeing our tired yet brand spankin’ NEW married faces:

I am reminded how awesome it was to wander through these old cities – stumbling upon the tiniest restaurants where no one spoke English but the pasta was homemade and the wine was bottomless.

Our girls were just a glimmer in God’s eye at the time. We were at the beginning of our journey together.

I know. He’s cute, right?? I’m pretty lucky.

I had to include this picture because when I was a cocktail waitress in Chicago I made more money than I’ve ever made in my life. And what did I do with my hard-earned tips?? Walked into Saks and purchased a Dior bag that cost as much as my RENT at the time. Responsible?? No. Makes for a great story?? Of course!!

So, naturally, I had to pay homage to my introduction into the life of luxury handbags. An ongoing love affair.

How does 5 years go by so fast?? Life is just so weird. I’m thankful for this little pre-kids reminder – makes me feel even more grateful for the little girls sleeping upstairs.

Happy Easter!! Love, C & E

2011-04-24T11:21:00.001-07:00

He is Risen!!

Buckets.

2011-04-24T11:15:00.001-07:00

So sometimes I tend to go overboard with gifts – and Easter baskets are no exception. Vann asked me last night if it was Christmas, Part II. Very funny.

Aren’t these buckets cute?? I got them on Etsy – the greatest website ever!!

Wanted: SuperNanny.

2011-04-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

You know that show "SuperNanny"?? Yeah, well, I'm feeling like the bedraggled beaten down Mom who needs a major intervention. We've been having a behavioral "issue" with Charlie recently. Closer to 4 now than 3, she's really been testing her boundaries. Lately she minds less when we are at other people's houses. She has started "shushing" me (I know, I know) and has really discovered her sassy side (although not in a good way).

Now, having been a sassy little girl myself, I am somewhat empathetic...of my MOM and all the crap she had to deal with.

And apparently I'm somewhat of a push-over, which actually surprises me because I am a member of the spanking club and haven't ever thought twice about it. But when it comes to the backtalk, I am filled with anxiety. Maybe it's because I know the day will come when she discovers I'm not cool or fun...and when she graduates from high school I will have to trust the Holy Spirit and His presence in her heart and hope we raised her right and let her go.

So yeah, I know it is a little premature to be thinking about this when she's...ahem...3...but I sometimes like to jump to the worst case scenerio...

Really??

Uh, yeaaaaaah. Just ask Vann.

Anyway, last night she threw a fit at swim class and refused to get into the water. Today she acted out at school.

Long story short, we spent the afternoon in a discipline downward spiral. Sassy backtalk = spanking. Screaming at me in the time-out chair = time-out till she calmed down. More sassy backtalk = spanking. Screaming at me about the spanking = time-out.

When we had all finally calmed down, I realized I was still pissed. Like, really mad that she got me that fired up. And when she came over to me and hugged me and said she was sorry, I thought, "Oh. So this is when I'm supposed to forgive her."

Parenting is just...a biz-oh sometimes. It just IS. And anyone who tells you different is LYING to you.

I love Charlie, but I do not like having to be the bad guy. It is NO FUN. And when she's moved on and is playing in the other room like nothing happened, I'm still seething. So I guess this is where Christ shows you a little bit of yourself through your children. If I'm going to love her like Christ loves me, then I can't keep score and I have to forgive her, even when I really don't feel like it.

Hmph.

Mesh Shirts.

2011-04-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

Ohmigosh y'all, I got a wild hair last night and pulled about eight bags of clothes out of my closet. I was inspired by my good friend who said she cleaned out her closet and it felt so good to let go of all the things you save because you "might" wear it someday.

Just a few of the oh so special things I pulled:

--A black velvet "duster" with wide lapels and a satin liner. Don't laugh at me - I begged my Mom for it in high school. It was from the store RAMPAGE and was like $70 or something! I LOVED that coat. It was super cool at the time! I PROMISE. (To really bug me, my older brother Evan used to say, "Oh, are you going on a RAMPAGE??")

--A brown corduroy skirt with orange paisley trim that was actually a knock-off of a Marc Jacobs skirt I saw in Neiman's on Michigan Avenue. I had been in Chicago for less than a year, and yes, I would wander through NM from time to time. $300 was certainly too much for a skirt - but lucky me! I found the $38 version at a boutique on Belmont Avenue.

--Hot pink ballet crocs. ??????

--An Esprit black "suit". I wore this to all of my graduate school auditions. Why I have kept it I'll never know. It is so teeny, CHARLIE could wear it.

Vann swears I gave up all of the really good stuff when we moved out of the condo before Charlie was born. He just reminded me of a dress that had cartoon characters on it??? I don't remember said dress, but I'm not surprised. If it was trendy, I wore it. I frequented Contempo, Wet Seal, Rampage, you name it. And although I DO still shop at Forever 21 from time to time, I promise I'm only getting the really cute stuff. No striped neon, no mesh shirts.

Wait a minute... Did I just say "mesh shirt"??

Yes. Yes, I did.

Kick it!!

2011-04-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

So I've had a resurgence in motivation. Vann found me slack-jawed in front of the TV during our staycation - I discovered Turbofire and I think I'm addicted. Turns out that the founder of Turbofire, Chalene Johnson, is also the creator of the Turbokick boxing class at my gym.

It's high impact cardio conditioning, and it is so fun!! Today's class kicked my rear end to next week. The girl next to me told me that she's been doing it for 6 weeks and she's lost 11 pounds. Sign me up!!

I talked a big game last fall about reaching my "goal" by my 33rd birthday...and guess what?? Uh, my birthday was in March and I'm still unhappy with the state of things. The good news is that I joined a bootcamp last November and met some lovely women - and now have new friendships to show for it. Our bootcamp class ended a week ago so I was searching for a way to keep it moving.

So cross your fingers for me and say a quick prayer too. I'm working on quieting those "voices" in my head - the "noise" that keeps you from being kind to yourself.

And an update for all of you sweet friends out there who have supported us through Ella's delays: I am pleased to report she has started pulling up and cruising!! She will also hold her sippy cup and drink out of it - and we are working on her mastering self-feeding for good. I think that God has done a major work in me - when she came back from staying with my Mom this last time my heart was so softened towards her. That may sound strange, but I was really needing a heart change towards my youngest. God graciously gave that to me!!

Just Breathe.

2011-04-01T14:24:00.001-07:00

It was the dead of winter. The snow had turned to ice on the city sidewalks, and everyone I knew was hibernating.

Baby Ella was just two months old, and I had been fighting like hell to get my breastfeeding issues under control. Infection after infection, I just couldn't get it to "work", and what's worse, I had a doctor I couldn't talk to. I felt paranoid every day, all day long, that I was just making it up in my head, forcing myself to fail. The worst part was that I dreaded each and every time I heard my sweet baby cry. My skin crawled. This precious gift from God and I wanted no part of her.

I know that Vann felt very helpless. I know he was doing his best to remain strong for all of us. But all I felt was great pain. I was underwater, gasping for breath, praying for release.

We made the decision to send Charlie to Tennessee for a week or so to give me a break from juggling two in the midst of everything. Vann was going to drive her to meet his parents somewhere in Indiana. And as he was packing the two of them up, something shorted out in my fragile brain. What if they never returned, and I was left here to care for this child all on my own??

In the midst of all of this chaos, Charlie had her first ear infection. When we finally diagnosed it, the urgent care clinic was 30 minutes from closing and Vann made a mad dash to get her there to be treated.

I remember standing in the living room after he drove away. That pit in my stomach, which I can now recognize as hopelessness, was so palpable I could taste it, like grit in my teeth. The world was quiet, and all I could hear was the sound of my beating heart. I had been sucked down into the depths of deep, deep despair.

I must have fallen to my knees...the details are fuzzy...but I do know that what I felt that day scared me to my core. Because, this was not my first rodeo, and I had faced these feelings before.

Today in MOPS the speaker talked about her struggle with post-partum. It stirred my heart, brought back those not too distant memories. Luckily for me, during that scary time I had a strong support system to fall back on...and a loving God who wasn't going to let me go.

And now I feel a greater stirring in me, a piece of my heart forever linked to any woman walking through this kind of pain. Because really and truly, when you get past all of the facades of life and the things we do to compete and keep up - we are all just a step away from our own collapse, aren't we? Things are never what they seem. And thank the Lord that He sees inside our hearts and loves us anyway.

Landslide.

2011-03-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

I'm so not a left brain person. Instruction manuals, recipe ingredient lists...it's all just gibberish to me...maybe this is why I only went as far as Algebra in high school. I mistakenly thought that purchasing a new domain for my new blog would be easy, and merging it with my old blog address would be even easier. Turns out, not so much.

So bear with me as I experience some technical difficulties getting things just right.

Last night I went out with some new girlfriends, and had QUITE a few skinnygirl margaritas. So many that all of my little insecurities bubbled to the surface and I had a mini-breakdown in the car on the way home. Seeing all the fun these girls have together and hearing their histories as neighbors and friends made me really, really miss Chicago. And what can I say...I might have gone home and consumed my weight in pizza drowned in ranch dressing.

Sigh. In the light of a new day, I am constantly reconciling my complicated emotions. We are closing in on 9 months since we purchased our Texas home. At times if feels like we've been here forever...but most of the time it feels like we just ripped the band-aid off to reveal the fragile skin underneath. All those nerves exposed.

This morning, in an effort to comfort my dehydrated and addled self, Vann says to me, "This, my dear, is what Stevie Nicks calls a landslide."

Oh. Ok. Now I get it.

Starting Fresh.

2011-03-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

Ah. There you are. The sparkly blonde you see in my new header is my "got it all together" doppelganger - what I long to be on my very, very best day. Thanks to Marina from Penny Lane Designs for making my blog dreams a reality!!

There is one other thing (besides being in the chorus line of a Broadway musical) that I would love to be when I grow up.

A writer. My whole life I've kept journal upon journal...you know, because back in the day there was no such thing as blogging. I would buy that pen that "wrote" the best and spend my nights sitting next to a space heater in the bathroom, simultaneously reading "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle and furiously scribbling in my journal until the very last page was filled.

And now, I find that I'm longing for some type of creative release - something that's all mine. And because jumping back into the theatre world right now with small children seems impossible, I am jumping into the blogosphere with a newfound passion for writing...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Motherhood. Faith. And all that lies in between.

Ye Olde 33.

2011-03-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday today! 33. When I was 18 that seemed SO old.

My Dad just surprised me with a free night at any Hilton in the DFW area. So, yay, Vann and I have a little staycation within our staycation this weekend. Room service???

Pathology.

2011-03-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

Being new at a school was something I knew very well growing up. When I was about 15 years old, we moved from a small town in Colorado (where we had lived since I was 5) to a "big" city, Dallas. I was about to enter Lake Highlands Junior High School, and to this day I don't remember if I started school at the beginning of the year or the middle of the semester - I've probably blocked it out.

I don't think I ever had a doubt that theatre and the arts would mean something to me in my life. Both of my brothers were/are actors as well - when you are up on stage you are playing a character, another person, not yourself.

You don't have to be the girl who walks into the lunchroom during lunch and stands there, in the corner, scanning the crowd to find some sort of friendly face. You don't have to be the girl who clutches her fake Dooney & Burke purse so tightly that her knuckles turn white - the purse you begged your mother to buy you so that you wouldn't be so glaringly outside the lines of what is considered "cool". Maybe if they don't look too close...

But even in the theatre crowd, cliques are present and rejection rears it's ugly head. I managed to get through the rest of junior high and went on to Lake Highlands High School, which boasted a theatre department that is prestigious and has a record of turning out accomplished artists. I was cast in the chorus of "Hello, Dolly!", and let me tell you, that cast party was enough to make anyone's insides churn. I had perfected this mask: one where on the outside I was "normal", but on the inside I was screaming for release from the irrational thoughts that reigned there. Inside, I just wanted to be wanted. Pursued. Approached with a smile.

Low and behold, junior year came and so did a new town and a new high school - one where groups of friends had been formed since kindergarten - and although the newness of being a "city" girl in my new smallish town lasted all of the summer, when September rolled around it was very clear where I did not belong. Having spent time with these girls I thought were my friends and flirted with the boys I thought were into me, the reality of the first day of school was like a brick thrown into my glass house.

I should have taken the hint when some of the girls I had been hanging out with were supposed to pick me up for a party on someone's "land" (a popular destination for kids who drink in a small town), and after painstakingly applying my makeup and picking out just the right outfit, I sat outside on my back deck to wait for them.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Until the clock showed they were two hours late and it appeared they weren't coming at all. I will never, ever forget that feeling. I don't really remember what happened at the end of that summer but I do know when I approached the lunch table filled with my "friends", I was instructed to find a new place to sit.

Please, put me out of my misery.

Lucky for me I met a kind theatre friend who brought me into her fold and I wasn't so alone anymore. I had a place to sit at lunch. But I toiled there for two years, waiting and waiting to be set free from the bonds of high school.

I've been thinking a lot about these moments lately. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, in fact, I'm sure most of those girls are normal, grown-up women now (one would hope), some even moms. I'm just trying to learn more about my patterns - and pathology. Pathology is defined as "the study and diagnosis of disease". What disease, you might ask? Well, in my case, it's the all-consuming sickness called insecurity.

I'm going to be 33 years old next Friday. When I was in high school, I'm sure my thirties were a very distant thought - or maybe I never thought of them. Who knows. I thought I'd have this sickness kicked by the time I reached my 30's - but it appears it's hanging around, nipping at my heels, waiting for me to crash and burn.

So once again I am the "new" girl. And although I am an adult, and a grown ass woman, I am still that girl just wanting to be liked and seeking a fold I can be wrapped up in.

Change.

2011-02-21T17:16:00.001-08:00

It's time for a change.

My creative side, the side of me that pounded the pavement of Chicago with no apologies and no fear, has been dormant for over 4 years. And while I know my life has changed forever, I need to find a way to tap into that side of me that longs to be heard and seen.

So I'm going to be taking this blog in a new direction. Just an FYI for those of you that follow the musings of this complicated, frazzled, wanting-to-be-liked mother of two small girls - the Chicklets, as they shall now be called.

Coming Soon!!

Faith.

2011-02-18T12:33:00.000-08:00

I've never been a very faithful person. It's a good thing I married a man who is.

Even though I am surrounded by people that love me - it's so weird how easy it is to feel very alone. This week, sweet friends have really reminded me what faith is about...or, maybe, what it's not about. Hebrews 11:1 says that "faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Faith isn't about what God does for us but who He is. So in these moments when I feel alone, when I feel like nothing is happening or progressing - that's when God is His most present.

I know I've said this before, but being a mom to small children can be very isolating. This is why mom's groups and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) exist: we simply can't do it alone. I know there are a lot of blogs out there that make motherhood look perfect - that's never been me nor will it ever be. I like to call it like it is because maybe, just maybe, someone else needs to know that they aren't alone - that it's totally normal to feel frustrated and inconvenienced and burdened at times.

What I was reminded of this week was that even if I feel like I am totally alone - God is there, standing by as I change diapers and pack lunches and give spankings and kiss boo-boo's. When I think that nothing is happening with Ella and it seems bleak to me - God is there, with His hand on my shoulder as I step out of the room to take a breath when I feel like I might explode.

We have two pieces to Ella's therapy:

1. Feeding

2. Physical - pulling up, cruising, walking

What has come to our attention this past week is that ECI, as wonderful as they are, may not be meeting the feeding needs we have - that's where Baylor's feeding clinic comes in. For friends who have prayed for the little surprises (Michelle) - we have received so much positive feedback about Baylor that we are very anxious to get Ella in for her evaluations. We have them scheduled, OT (occupational therapy - sensory, etc.) and PT (the actual physical movements of eating/bringing the food to her mouth) for the week after next.

I realize that this is a positive thing - the fact that we don't have to wait months - but I am impatient and frankly, Ella is 15 months old and it's time to do something drastic because it's time for the girl to feed herself. It's time. Get how I think it's time??

The physical part of her therapy is being met by Ms. Rhonda, but we have been stalled the past few weeks because of the ice storms and Ella's ear infection. So, not much has progressed this month.

The biggest question we have is, does it benefit her to be working on both things right now? Obviously, the feeding issue is priority #1. I don't want to pause her physical therapy, but depending on the time commitment in regards to Baylor - well, there are only so many hours in the day and so many days in the week. And this mama needs "me" time, time with friends, a life - as do the girls. This is something I will probably ruminate about in the coming weeks, but my loving husband encouraged me to not let myself spin out of control, as I am wont to do 9 times out of 10. My greatest fear is being stuck in this house with therapists and a 3 year old with cabin fever and truly feel like a prisoner. See?? See how I spin??

I've heard that the people at Baylor take their job very seriously, that the parents are often the ones that struggle the most - you know, handing their kids off to the experts. I say, bring it. Please, take her! I recognize my limitations and I am fried. I need help!!

I have really missed my Chicago community this week. I think that has made everything a little bit harder - that although I have met so many lovely people here I would give anything to walk into my old mom's group and sit down and cry and pray and work through it. The familiar...is comforting. Being the new girl and having to explain myself all the time...is not.

I just want to move on from this. If there is no glaring reason why Ella can't feed herself, then damnit, let's just move on from this!

It's time. This next week I'm going to work on remembering that God is with me, always and forever, never changing. And I will try to have faith. I will really, really try.

An Update on E

2011-02-14T11:37:00.001-08:00

I'm trying my best to keep it together today. I'm afraid I've already left some pretty tearful messages.

I'll be brief: We had Baby Ella's 15 month check-up today and her weight has basically stalled. She's gained only a few ounces since November. Our doc told us not to panic - and I'm really trying not to - but it's hard when you realize that this might be bigger than you can reasonably handle.

We've gotten a referral to Baylor Hospital's pediatric feeding clinic. It actually looks pretty amazing - I was concerned it was only a place for severe cases but it appears they deal with all sorts of feeding problems (behavioral, etc). I've left a message and hopefully will hear something back soon.

About 95% of me really wants to feel sorry for myself right now. But Marla reminded me that this might be just what we need to find our way out of this mess. And if we have experts at our disposal, maybe it's time to seek out that expertise.

So I'm sorry that I haven't taken any recent pics of the girls, and I'm sorry that this is Valentine's Day and I have no cute post about the adorable heart dress Charlie is wearing today. I just ask for your prayers as we navigate through this time. We really, really need them!!

Ear Infections. Oh, and Chocolate Cake.

2011-02-07T07:44:00.000-08:00

Remember our snow day last week? Well, it turned into a snow WEEK. To make matters worse, both girls started getting sick and then Vann and I caught the crud. On Thursday the roads were supposed to be a TAD better - although the whole Dallas/Ft. Worth area was at a standstill because neighborhoods weren't being salted and the roads were sheets of ice. Literally, you couldn't even drive down your street! And as it turns out, apparently Dallas doesn't even use salt - they think it's bad for the roads - and instead use SAND. Which you know is a big, muddy mess when things start to melt.

Anyway, the funniest part about it was how unified everyone was. Facebook is an amazing thing. We couldn't leave our homes, so we had a running commentary on what each and every person was doing to survive their day. My fellow mommies, especially, were using every trick in the book to keep their kids occupied without going crazy. And every day, right around happy hour, you'd see mobile uploads of homemade martinis and bloody mary's - and we'd all drink together, knowing we weren't the only ones.

So when Thursday rolled around and Vann and I were getting worse and I saw a window, I took it. We piled in the car and the girls and I drove the treacherous tollway south to the heart of Dallas. And when I say treacherous, I really mean it. It was a sheet of ice. I drove very slow and prayed. The whole time.

Once I made it into the city the roads were better. I headed east on I-20 towards Tyler and it was a piece of cake the rest of the way.

The next day, Baby Ella took a turn for the worst. She couldn't be consoled and was obviously miserable. Mom said she saw her pulling on her ear, so I ran her up to the urgent care clinic, literally, 10 minutes before they closed. Ear infection. Perfect.

Saturday Charlie woke up with a fever of 102. At this point, I'm like, what else?? Really?? How can you not laugh?? I had brought a viral plague into my parent's home.

Back to urgent care we went, basically to rule out strep, and Charlie was fine - just a virus, nothing more. We ended up driving home first thing Sunday, and thankfully, my Mom still wanted to keep Ella, even with her immense crankiness (and poor thing, who can blame her for feeling yucky!). Mom has been getting up throughout the night with her, rocking her to sleep and giving her antibiotics. That's what I call love.

Selfishly I am glad that Charlie and I can be lazy and stay in bed today. It would be much harder to do that with a roaming and curious baby. We are planning on staying in our pj's today, and I might eat chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Praying that we are all on the mend very soon.

Snow Day

2011-02-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna say something that might be tad controversial.

My daughter, Ella? Yeah, you know, the really cute one with the Cindy Lou who do?

I don't like her very much.

There, I said it. Am I a terrible mom for admitting the way I really feel about my darling baby?

Today was a snow day. Texans don't know how to deal with ice and snow and when a big storm comes through it pretty much debilitates us all. I think I can say this (after 10 years of living in the frozen tundra, I've earned it), thank the LORD Vann was home today because not being able to get out of the house with these kids just about drove me over the edge.

Knowing that I'm just days away from dropping my darling child off with her grandmother isn't helping my patience (kind of like when you put in your notice at a job and have to work two more weeks??)...in fact, with the weather we may be heading to Mimi's house a day or two early. We've got a lot going on next week, so I'm shipping her off.

Here's the thing: she whines. All. day. long. I know she appears to be an angel, but I swear to you, she's a little rascal who is hell-bent on world destruction.

No. I'm just kidding. It's partly the age. The year between 1 and 2 is so freakin' tough. Unless you are blessed with an "angel baby" (and we aren't friends anymore if you are/were) you KNOW what I'm talking about. What is it? "Little people with BIG emotions". We are trying to teach her some sign language, but I'm not sure she's really into that. Vann thinks maybe she's just our more "sensitive" child. Which means we may have to "handle" her differently. Guess who THAT sounds like?? I'll give you a clue: she's blonde and is addicted to Lululemon hoodies, Louis Vuitton handbags, and US Weekly.

On a more serious note...the lack of sunlight today had a palpable affect on my spirit. I felt...sad. Like, what if we are in this stage for a long time? Because right now, it is incredibly exhausting giving and giving and giving and getting so little (a smile, for instance) in return. I have dear friends who have shouldered so much worse in regards to their kids. But to us, this is big! And sometimes seems, insurmountable.

But, I take heart - God must have known what we needed because Mimi is just a short drive away.

And, just to clarify - just because you don't like someone, it doesn't mean you don't love them. I would throw myself in front of a bus to protect her (and her sister, for that matter) - I just wish she'd chill out and give me a BREAK, for goodness sakes.

72 degrees…in January??

2011-01-30T10:20:00.001-08:00

Friends.

2011-01-28T11:53:00.001-08:00

The Lord has really shown Himself the last couple of days. Ella’s OT appointment this week was wonderful – she’s getting stronger and is able to stand for longer periods of time and is building those little core muscles!

We’ve been teaching her how to climb the stairs (not something you really want your toddler to do but in our case it’s a real blessing) and we’ve found that if we bend her leg and put her foot flat on the ground she is able to push herself up to the next step. One reason we’ve come to love our house so much is that it’s totally self-contained for the girls. We have two staircases, one in front and one off the kitchen, and as you come up the back stairs you pass the playroom on your way to the bedrooms. There is a series of catwalks instead of actual hallways, so the upstairs is almost entirely in the open air. This is great because if you close the baby gate by the playroom and the one at the top of the front stairs (the prom stairs, we call them), the girls can go wherever they want and be completely safe.

The one small issue is that there are two sets of small stairs (only two steps) separating the guest area and the playroom from the catwalks, and Baby Ella hasn’t quite figured out how to get down these stairs the “safe” way. You can imagine my surprise as I’m on the phone with my friend Kim today and I look over and she is crawling up the two steps to the catwalk! She needed one teeny push at the end, but she did it, and it was so fun to witness that with a friend in earshot. We are very encouraged by this week and have really felt your prayers and support through this difficult process.

I think about something all the time – that it’s no accident we are going through this with our family so close-by. I am extremely fortunate to have a willing mom keep Ella for me every now and again. This closeness is all new to me, and I don’t take it for granted for a second!

I was so worried I wouldn’t find friends as wonderful as my Chicago crew – and have prayed so earnestly for a community here in our new city. Almost 6 months to the DAY we moved in God has blessed me HUGELY in the way of friendships. What with my college/post-college friends, neighborhood moms, MOPS, our new lifegroup (or small group, as we called them in Chicago), and lovely new friends as a result of mutual friendships…well…my cup runneth over.

Saying goodbye to my Chicago friends was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It really was a great time of mourning for me. I know that sounds dramatic, but 10 years…that’s a long time to share with a group of people. Especially when you go through life’s major milestones together.

My new friend Allison, who lives in my neighborhood, is a gorgeous mom of 3, ranging from 2 to 10. She and I hit it off immediately – I think I told the story about her picking me up for a mom’s night out back in August. I had contacted her through our HOA website about a playgroup – turns out that playgroup stopped meeting years ago, but she invited me to go out and we were instant friends. The little things, like being a lover of Louis Vuitton (as I am) and carrying 20 tubes of MAC lipglass in her purse (as I do) got us talking, but her sweet spirit and kind heart are really what connected us as moms and as women.

At the beginning of the week I was feeling pretty down, and I posted on Facebook that I “felt defeated” and “could use some extra prayers today”. Not five minutes later, dear Allison called me to make sure I was ok. It was weird timing, because at that moment I just needed some encouragement, a listening ear…and God answered that prayer.

So all of this to say, this “season” we are in is requiring a lot of support, kind text messages, and sweet friends checking in to see how we are doing as a family – and how Ella is doing. Believe it or not, motherhood can be very isolating. You spend your day giving and giving and giving to these little people and often times all you want is a conversation with an adult, or a glass of wine with another mom at the end of a hard day. To be able to connect and be understood…well, there’s nothing like it.

The Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Weekend.

2011-01-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

Oh man. Where to begin? Our weekend was kinda terrible. Ella was a mess, and we ended it with a lovely fight on Sunday, our hardest day to get out of the house as a family. I admit it, I get distracted and often run late - usually it's because something doesn't fit right and I have to change clothes about 15 times. It's very innocent on my part, but it drives Vann crazy. Crazy.

We get to church and we aren't speaking and thankfully, the sermon was about MARRIAGE and it was so timely. The pastor gave the congregation a "scale of marriage", the best being the "Delightful" marriage (the one where you are so good you could write a book about it), the worst being the "Dying" marriage (the one where you are basically on the brink of divorce and neither person wants to work on saving it). Between those two extremes, there were about 6 or 7 in between. The one we resonated the most with was the "Dizzy" marriage, where you are so busy with kids and work and schedules and the messiness of life that you have to work on bringing the JOY back.

I was relieved to know that we aren't the only couple that struggles with this. After almost 5 years (I know, I can't believe it either), Vann and I are constantly navigating each other's complicated personalities. Neither one of us is easy to live with...but I can tell you that Vann is my best friend and there is no one in the world I would rather talk to at the end of a hard day. But joy? Joy can be hard to come by. Especially when each day feels like a chore.

The good news is that we came home and hashed it out. The bad news is that we decided to give Ella another feeding bootcamp and planned on waiting it out for 24 hours.

Very bad idea. Very bad.

We made it through lunch and dinner, but it was really hard. Poor thing cried for what seemed like forever at dinner, screaming and throwing her food and crying big fat tears. The purpose of this, was to "teach" her to feed herself. I kept staring at her thinking, "What IS going on with this kid? How hard is it, to lift the bagel to your mouth and take a bite? How flippin' HARD???"

She cried so hard I was afraid she might burst a blood vessel or something - seriously, she was MAD. We put her to bed and spent the rest of the night hanging our heads and feeling extremely guilty. Parenting is fun!!

We caved the next morning. And then looked at each other and thought, "Really? What is this REALLY about?" Because what if this isn't about "food" at all? What if it's about reliance on God, as a couple, as parents...as individuals? What IS the big deal if she's just not ready? Who is it really hurting - is it time for us to just sack up and let it happen when it happens?

I don't know the answer. After yesterday, today was a walk in the park. She was actually in an amazing mood and smiling her sweet, toothy grin. Oh man, how that girl has me wrapped around her little finger.

And JUST at the point I thought I might break down, I practiced climbing the stairs with her, as our OT has instructed us daily to do...and she's doing REALLY well. Like, to the point if we bend her leg and put her foot flat on the floor, she can PUSH up to the next step on her own. That's pretty amazing.

Also, I propped her up on a rubbermaid bin and she took two very tentative steps to the side (what we call "cruising") on her own. I did not prompt her to do it.

I was so proud of her I almost burst into tears. And I kept thinking, "Lord, when she takes her first step I'm gonna be a basketcase!"

Vann and I have started having the "family planning" convo again. I can see both sides. While in my heart I know that I desperately want another child, I'm concerned. A friend told me she was struggling with this same issue - "is it better for me to be a great mom to two or a mediocre mom to three?"

Not that I think my friend is a mediocre mom - not in the least - and hey, I'm not perfect by any stretch but I do think I'm pretty good at my job - but if I can't handle "this" ("this" being the last 6 months of Ella's life), than maybe I should just stop while I'm ahead. Maybe "this" is all I can do.

Today it was 55 degrees in the afternoon. I don't say this to rub it in anyone's faces - knowing the Texas summer is basically equivalent to the Chicago winter (so we do get it, don't worry) - but this is the sweet spot in Texas as far as I'm concerned. Enough cold days to have the cold, but a 55 or 60 degree day here and there and it's still nice enough to get out and walk in it.

Which we did today, because it's been too cold to do it since Christmas and I've been missing the only cardio I really love. Hey, a double jogger, already at 40 pounds, plus 40 pounds of kid - that's a lot of resistance! And I believe, the key to my body image success. So I'm out in it today, walking the girls to the park to swing, blasting Cee-Lo, Jay-Z, every song from "Glee"...breathing in the amazing fresh air...

...and it felt so good. Living life, making mistakes (lots of them), parenting small children...this "messiness" of life...well it wouldn't really be living if you weren't growing and changing, would it? God doesn't want us to be comfortable, does He? Do we see Him more in those moments of mistakes and loss and frustration?

I am confident that all of this mess with Ella will work itself out. She's going to be just fine. The journey is hard. And it sucks. But something tells me that when we look back on this time in the future, we'll laugh at how we thought we'd never find our way out of it. It will be over all too soon, onto the next thing, because it's always SOMEthing, isn't it?

Update.

2011-01-19T08:51:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could say I felt better after our appointment with the developmental pediatrician this past Monday. The news was basically positive: after a 3 hour evaluation of Baby Ella's physical "skills" and behavior, the doctor determined there is no need for any further testing at this time. Meaning, there's nothing really wrong with our girl. She doesn't have any neurological issues that she can tell, and she looks/acts/behaves like any other normal baby.

I don't know if many of you remember Ella's dramatic entrance into the world: at 37 weeks my doctor feared my placenta had stopped working and decided she would be better off outside of my body rather than inside. For the latter half of my pregnancy, she was measuring small and I had a low-lying placenta (meaning it's very low in the uterus, and can cover the cervix and cause preterm labor), but it righted itself (as they tend to do in most cases) and wasn't an issue again until the very end. Now that we are in the thick of these delays, it makes sense that maybe Ella just needed to "bake" a little longer. At 37 weeks she was "technically" full-term, but I read somewhere that 5 pounds, 8 ounces (Ella's birth weight) is the weight that determines whether a baby is a preemie or not!

Of course, you all know that she came home with us and spent no time in the NICU, but thinking back on her short life some patterns have emerged. She took forever to hold her head up during tummy time - much longer than Charlie. And she's just teeny. They weighed her on Monday and she's a flat 18 pounds - at 14 1/2 weeks! She's not even forward-facing in her car seat yet!!

So it's obviously great news that her delay may just be an issue of needing more time. And that I can handle and I know the therapy is doing wonders for her and I'm thrilled with the progress. But the eating thing is still a mystery, even to this woman, who is a specialist!!

There is no physical reason why Ella won't feed herself. She has an excellent pincer grasp, has no sensory/texture issues, and is able to pick up anything she wants to. We've seen her lift things to her mouth, albeit slowly, but still. We got the ok from the doc to let one meal a day be an opportunity for her to feed herself, meaning no help from me. This is where that extra dose of patience comes in - she cried through lunch yesterday and it is so hard to listen to.

I need big prayers!! I really don't know how much more I can take. I'm hoping that our "experiment" will produce great results. Trying to stay positive and remain calm. I would appreciate your prayers and am always hoping for a miracle!!

Fully Engage.

2011-01-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

The house is a mess. We've spent the whole morning packing up Christmas, and I swear, the bins from last year have multiplied. Now the front of the house looks so empty!

Last night was a ball. Our dear friends Casey and Creighton came over with their sweet boy Marshall and spent the night with us. We thought it'd be a great way to celebrate the New Year without having to hire sitters and pay for an expensive meal. Instead, Creighton cooked these amazing steaks on the grill and Casey and Vann outdid themselves with a meal fit for a king. After the kids went down, we drank, played games, laughed, ate, and reminisced about the very first New Year's we spent together, back in 2004. Ages ago!

Vann and I had just started dating - I would say we were in a very fragile state (you know, where you haven't had the DTR convo - "Determining The Relationship"??) and I'm sure I was VERY nervous meeting all of his close friends for the first time. He had a party at his condo in downtown Chicago, and I distinctly remember feeling particularly fluttery about that New Year's kiss. The next morning we met up with C & C for a traditional New Year's Day brunch (you know, black-eyed peas and turnip greens?) and I got all dolled up (again, trying to impress) and I remember Casey showed up casual and I'm sure she thought I was REALLY into Vann at that point. We had a good laugh last night as I texted her before they came over and asked if she would be offended if I stayed in my comfies for dinner...to which she responded back, "I would be offended if you DIDN'T stay in your comfies!" Thattagirl.

So we renewed an old tradition by ringing in the new year with our great friends, truly, like family. We love you guys!

Ok, so I know it's time to start talking resolutions, so here goes:

I really only have a couple. The first is to be fully engaged in community. This means our new life group at church, my MOPS group, my new and old friends, and all of the special women I've had the pleasure to meet since I've been here. Fully engaged. Do you know we didn't make it to church once in December? I know. Shameful, right? What with sickness and company, we just didn't get there...so that's definitely something I want to improve on.

The other thing, or maybe things, as these have to do with each other - is to be kinder to myself and to take care of myself more. Anyone who knows me knows that I have issues with body image. My mother, God love her, has always had struggles in this area, so I grew up listening to her criticize herself. Of course this affected me - how could it not? I thought I would have a handle on it (my negative self-image) by the time I reached 30...and I don't know if it's the years of having my looks judged while pursuing a career in theatre and commercial work...facing rejection and not being able to compartmentalize...well, yuck and YUCK. Guess what, sister?? 33 is right around the corner. Who wants to live that way??

I've been hanging onto this little bit of Charlie weight since, well, she was born and I'm just so done with feeling sorry for myself. And here's the thing, it's so not about a number on the scale. Since I've been doing this bootcamp I've seen muscles in my arms I didn't know I had. Now THAT'S a great feeling. I want to be in the best shape of my LIFE - and that means strong, and healthy, and comfortable in my clothes and in my own skin. So I set a goal for myself. My birthday, March 11th, is in 10 weeks, and I want to reach my goal by then. No more excuses. No more beating myself up.

I'm considering the monkey bread I'm eating right now to be the sayonara to 2010 - and I'm enjoying every bite of it, knowing I'm hitting it hard again this week. I'm ready to walk this new path, and I'm tired of killing myself because I have a bowl of ice cream. If I really want to do something about it, I have to actively change it. I have that power.

So that's it. Fully engage, in community, in body, and in spirit. Doable, right??

Bischoff Christmas 2010

2010-12-29T13:07:00.001-08:00

Ah, Christmas. Sickness almost took us all out. By some miracle (or maybe just a lot of praying) my sweet 5 year old niece and Charlie both recovered in time for our big family party. Dali had the flu and Charlie had strep. Ask me how it felt to have to take Charlie to the pediatric urgent care on Christmas Eve after her fever still hadn’t come down – two days earlier her peds office told us to “watch and wait” – it never dawned on me that it could be strep. She never mentioned her throat hurting or anything! Thank goodness strep is treatable. We got her on antibiotics ASAP.

She still wasn’t feeling her peppy self on Christmas morning, which was really hard to watch. Under normal circumstances, she would have been the first to race into the living room to see what Santa had left. Poor bug.

We postponed our family party till the Monday after Christmas so my niece had an extra day to recover, and I was so happy to get the call that they were in fact on their way to our house. No doubt about it, travelling with little ones is hard enough without adding sickness to the mix. My older brother’s family set up camp in Ella’s room (my sister-in-law said they were like refugees) and we had 48 wonderful hours together. We gorged ourselves on chips, dip, sweets and my brother’s William Sonoma pumpkin butter bars. Hopefully I haven’t done too much damage to the old body (when I’m finally seeing some encouraging results!) – best to live in denial about that one.

Santa was generous this year. I was pleased as punch that my surprise gift to Vann (actually, not mine at all – I was just the organizer), a chrome Kitchenaid mixer, came together like it did. Both sets of parents and Vann’s sister contributed to it and it was so fun seeing him open it. We had agreed “no big gifts this year” (HELLO we are sleeping under the big gift) – but I had to work it out so that he could get what he really wanted.

Last year, Vann surprised me with a beautiful Louis Vuitton “Palermo” bag. Imagine my face when he presented that big brown box to me – it was the middle of the night and I was nursing Ella and in the heat of a newborn fog – well, let’s just say that it brought a smile to my face when smiles were hard to come by. This year, after his birthday got overshadowed by our move, I knew I had to bring it this Christmas. He deserved all that and more.

As for me, I received some Lululemon socks, a ton of books I’d been wanting (including a camera book and Jay-Z’s “Decoded”), a Starbucks card, Katy Perry’s new CD, and some cash to buy some fun new things.

And of course, I took very few pics. I finally figured out what “available light” means – here are a few of the house (didn’t realize a whole strand of lights were out on the tree until I took this pic!):

And some of the kiddos:

Not great ones, but of course the only ones I took of their matching dresses:

REALLY tough getting everyone to look at the camera at the same time! My excruciatingly adorable nephew, Owen, my precocious niece, Dali, Charlie, Mimi (my Mom), and Baby Ella:

Pillow Pets!

All in all, a wonderful Christmas. I’m sad it’s over. But I guess it wouldn’t be as special if we had decorations up year round. It makes Fall and Winter brand new again.

The Midnight Run

2010-12-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

Last night Vann and I were enjoying the last 10 minutes of our recent Netflix rental when I heard a faint "Mommy!" coming from upstairs. I find Charlie burning up and a bit disoriented in her bed - out of nowhere this fever came - and proceeded to give her Motrin and then get thrown up on.

Yep. Merry Christmas, right? We called our peds office and a nurse told us to try the Motrin once more (which we did) and if she threw up again (which she did), switch over to Tylenol suppositories (yep...I said it) and watch her till morning (except of course if her fever spiked).

Never having purchased Tylenol suppositories before, I went on the hunt (at midnight) for a 24 hour Walgreens, got turned around and drove 30 minutes out of the way (because our Walgreens conveniently closes at 10), finally found said medicine and had to explain to Vann what they are and how you use them. I've never seen such a deer in headlights before.

I'm just kidding though - you should have seen Vann comforting our sick girl last night. Covered in vomit (sorry, can't find a nicer way to say it), he didn't even flinch, and reassured her and made her feel safe. Poor thing was so upset (I mean, wouldn't you be??) and all she wanted was her Daddy and he held her most of the night, even though I know he was screaming inside for a shower. I can't say that I would have been as patient.

This morning she seems to be holding her Motrin, and the nurse said a bug was going around and to watch her today - so it looks like our playdates for the week are cancelled and it's a "Max & Ruby" marathon for us all.

2010 was a tough one for the Bischoff's. We started out the year with a newborn and a massive case of post-partum depression mixed in with a little seasonal sadness (me), moved ourselves cross-country in two 16 foot trucks (Vann and his Dad, driving through the night) and lived apart from each other for part of the summer, then had our first home-buying experience tainted by the jerky sellers of our home, and finished up with wading through the waters of debt (because of said cross-country move/home-buying experience) for the first time in our marriage and wanting to cry every time I look at our "net worth" on Quicken. Oh, and let's not forget the stresses of Ella's developmental struggles.

But here's the good news: God is bigger than all of that, isn't He? Despite all of these harsh realities of life, some amazing things happened too. And the most important lesson I've learned in 2010 is that I am married to the most patient, understanding, loving man who just so happens to be my best friend and a wonderful father. And if anything good came out of last night's adventures, it would be an appreciation for him and our precious girls.

So here's hoping that 2011 is a bit easier on us. I'm not sad to see 2010 go.

We are war buddies, Vann and I. And we made it through. And God is good. And Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior - the most important thing to remember this most blessed of weekends.

Merry Christmas, friends.

A.

I'm Still Here.

2010-12-13T20:38:00.001-08:00

Just wanted you to know.

Yesterday, Charlie and I returned from our weekend in Comfort, Texas (a teeny town in the Hill Country, by San Antonio) visiting my older brother's family. My sweet niece and nephew...I mean, how lucky am I that I get to see them now more than once a year??!! We ate a lot of peppermint ice cream, shopped the darling streets of Fredericksburg (so happy I got some killer things for Forever 21 prices!) and the best part? Watching Charlie and her cousins LIVE.IT.UP. I didn't have cousins my age growing up...so I get all excited thinking of the three of them (and Baby E, of course) becoming best friends.

God has shown up in some amazing ways lately...this bootcamp I've been taking at Charlie's school (pretty convenient that they have childcare for E and it's right after I drop both girls off at their respective rooms) has also resulted in some new friends...who led me to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group that happens to meet at a church around the corner from our house. I went a couple weeks ago, and guess who was there? My new small group leader's wife. Oh! And a few gals who live in the hood, one being a Pepsico employee. I mean...really, God?

Also, I braved my second mom's night out in the hood (this time a Christmas party at someone's house) and it was so much fun. It is SO scary putting yourself out there...but I really feel like it's coming back on me tenfold. And I haven't even mentioned my new sweet friend Michelle and her lovely husband Michael...we went to dinner with them a couple weekends ago and I think we've found kindred spirits. How fun!

Vann stayed home with E this past weekend and met up with Rhonda, our new occupational therapist (OT). He took a ton of notes...I haven't had the energy to get the full scoop yet, but I know she's given us exercises to work on until we start meeting with her weekly on Wednesdays next year. I am feeling a bit more calm today...maybe the time away was what I needed to recharge my batteries.

We are finally starting to put some things up on the walls. I'm hanging lanterns in the girl's bathroom. The two 16 x 20 prints of the girls we had framed are ready for pick-up. I'm ready to bring some warmth up in here!!

Ciao for now.

An Update

2010-11-30T13:22:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you for praying for Baby Ella and checking in to see how her evaluation went...it means more than you know.

So, here's the scoop:

The therapists (one occupational, one speech) came over and spent about two hours observing Ella. I fed her lunch and she roamed a bit afterwards - they asked a crazy amount of questions and did a lot of scribbling in their notebooks. They were lovely - really made me feel at ease (especially after I greeted them by saying, "Ok, so I'm really nervous" while talking a mile a minute).

Ella is testing out at 9 months for some of her gross motor skills. She is not pulling up to standing or "cruising" yet, although since they were here she's done a ton of pulling up to "high knees" (where her little behind is up off the floor) and seems to be slowly progressing in that area on her own. For her self-help, or "adaptive" skills, she is testing out at 7 months, but only because of her lack of self-feeding skills. After observing her during lunchtime, the OT seemed to think this particular issue might just be an issue of will - she likes to be fed, pure and simple. Is she just being stubborn, perhaps? I was relieved to find out that she doesn't appear to have any texture issues and it's a really good sign that she eats a variety of foods. I decided today to put her through a little feeding bootcamp and put plenty of food on her tray but did not feed it to her. So far, two meals down and we have a very cranky baby. Not sure if we'll have success but I thought it was worth a try.

I was also really pleased to find that her social/emotional/speech skills are at a 12-14 month level. I told Vann - this proves she's my child. Ha.

After the two hours were up, the therapists determined she officially "qualifies" for services. Starting next week, she'll have weekly sessions. The good news is that given we've addressed this so early, she should hopefully be caught up in no time.

We do have an appointment scheduled with a developmental pediatrician. Apparently, these people are booked up 6 months in advance - when I first called they didn't have anything until April. Yesterday, the office called to say they'd had a cancellation - January 17th. I took the appointment, hoping with all my heart that in a month's time we won't need it. I don't know why, but the words "developmental pediatrician" feel like a weight sitting on my chest.

So I think that catches us up to speed.

Thanksgiving has come and went - for the first time hosting (ever), I'd say it went off without a hitch. I loved having a house full of family; Charlie and her cousins running amok and quality time spent with my brothers and sister-in-law's. This is what we came here for.

And now the weather has finally turned and we light our fireplace every night. Our whole neighborhood was out on Sunday, putting out Christmas lights and wreaths - and last night we took our time driving home from a playdate, looking into all of the beautiful homes and admiring all of the sparkling trees inside.

Prayers

2010-11-12T08:18:00.001-08:00

So all I could muster up on Wednesday for my sweet baby girl’s birthday was a collection of pictures. I just couldn’t write that day – so much going through my head and so much to process. We had her 12 month check-up and were given a reco for a developmental pediatrician. She’s not self-feeding and is also not pulling up (in her crib or otherwise), pointing, or clapping. One of these things alone might not illicit much concern, but all of them combined have me a bit crazed right now.

Like I’ve said before, all other signs point to the fact that Ella is a normal one year old. She’s crawling everywhere, getting into everything, babbles constantly, recognizes our pictures, so many other sweet and wonderful things. And I know that this is not the worst thing in the world – that she possibly just needs a little help to connect the dots and continue moving forward in her development. And maybe, I just need a brain break from it all…some time to pray and process and be quiet. There is a lot of noise in my head. No matter what, it’s NEVER easy to hear there is something wrong with your child.

What’s amazing in all of this is God’s timing, as always. We had always planned on painting our kitchen and guest room this next week in preparation for the holidays. My Mom is keeping Ella for a week, starting this Sunday, and I’m just so thankful! Not only will Ella get someone’s undivided attention, but Mom can work with her on some of these things and help her begin to use the sippy cup (as we hope to wean off bottles soon) and will certainly have the patience and fresh eyes to do so.

So I’m gonna say something that could be controversial: I can’t help but question if this is a result of something I’ve done. Have I not stimulated her little mind enough? Have I not given her enough attention? My heart is heavy with these questions and like I said, my brain is full of noise.

I’ve never painted a room before, but I welcome the time to “lose” myself a bit this next week. Charlie has school, Vann will be at work…just some time alone with my thoughts and God. Hoping He shows me…well…something this week.

My dear and precious friend Megan told me Wednesday that sometimes God doesn't give us an answer, no matter how much we want to “fix” something. These are those times of total dependence I was talking about. Trust in His perfect plan for my girl. Trust that she’s going to be exactly who God made her to be.

Please join me in praying for sweet Ella this week. Pray for a miracle! Pray for a breakthrough! Pray for our time with the ECI therapist on the 24th. Pray for some answers, so we know how to proceed.

I think I’ll take a break from blogging for now –

Happy 1st Birthday, Ella My Sweet!

2010-11-10T13:25:00.001-08:00

Love, Mommy

Discontent: A Post in Two Parts (Part II)

2010-11-08T21:44:00.001-08:00

So you may ask, why all the pics of Baby E? Well, they were from that day – decked out in her little “monster” fleece from the Gap – but really everything leads back to her.

We’ve been attending a wonderful church here in Frisco called Hope Fellowship. Even have a small group – everyone is lovely and have young kids and we look forward to getting to know them better.

On Sunday Pastor John started a series about Elijah. And oh my gosh – it was like God was speaking directly to me. It was all about how God uses us in times of strife – how we don’t always know why things are happening but how God sees the whole picture and how we have to learn total dependence on Him.

Going back to Saturday, it was a normal weekend day for us, except that Vann was at my grandmother’s house helping my family with the estate sale. I stayed at home with the girls, and for whatever reason both of them were getting on my LAST nerve. Baby Ella is: cutting multiple teeth, a nightmare in the high chair, seemingly whining ALL the time, and not quite steady on the tile floor, which causes a lot of bumped noggins and a lot of crying.

I’m sitting there, feeding her baby food, again, and she’s spitting everything out. Ok, I think, I’ll try some shredded turkey. Or some cheese. Or green beans. Spitting. It. All. Out.

“Fine!”, I shout at her, “If you aren’t going to eat anything I give you then you can just go to bed hungry. I really don’t care.”

More crying.

Something else to point out: Daylight Savings Time is a gift for all people except parents of young kids. You may think you are getting an extra hour, but nnnnooooooo. Not when your children are up at 6 am.

So naps are all screwy and she is seemingly ready for bed and it’s only 5:30 pm. Bedtime isn’t for another hour and a half.

Still crying.

I’m looking at her as she’s crying and this wave of anger comes over me. I feel out of control. I feel an amazing amount of resentment towards my sweet child and I realize that if I don’t get a moment to cool down – well, I would never hit my children but let’s just say that I understand how people can get to that place.

I plop her in her crib and close the door. She’s out in two seconds.

I give Charlie her dinner and tell her that I’m going to go do something upstairs and to eat and I’ll be back.

And I barely get up to the playroom before I’m collapsing on the couch with my head in my hands. Screaming in my head – a deep longing for my child to have some independence.

The soonest Early Childhood Intervention can get out to the house is the day before Thanksgiving. I had called already prior to my episode on Saturday. I’m glad they’re coming. I want to know how she’s doing, eating and all.

Look, Ella is a bright and happy baby. She’s super curious and loves to giggle and LOVES her older sister. She plays and picks things up, she does all the things babies her age are doing.

Except for feeding herself. Except for clapping. Except for pulling up on anything.

I can’t help that these three things concern me.

And in my heart, I am resentful towards my baby. I want to tell her to buck up, to be like other kids her age, to pick up a frickin’ cube of CHEESE for goodness sakes, anything!

So back to Elijah, I realized that for whatever reason, this situation with Ella is my Kerith Brook:

1 Kings 17

Elijah Announces a Great Drought

¹ Now Elijah the Tishbite, from Tishbe^[a] in Gilead, said to Ahab, “As the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.”

Elijah Fed by Ravens

² Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah: ³ “Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. ⁴ You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.”

⁵ So he did what the LORD had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. ⁶ The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.

As Pastor John said, God put Elijah in a place of isolated pain - he had to have total dependence on Him. God put Elijah in the Kerith Brook.

And right now, that’s what I feel. God has me in this place – He’s trying to teach me something, about myself, about selflessness, about being a mother. And all it feels like right now is a series of isolated pain.

Check out Pastor John’s sermon here.

What is your Kerith Brook??

Discontent: A Post in Two Parts (Part I)

2010-11-08T21:00:00.001-08:00

I had a really tough day on Saturday.

But I guess I should go back to the beginning.

Last Friday the girls and I decided to strike out and walk the distance from our house to the nearest Target. I thought, why not get some exercise and fresh air, take a stroll through the posh neighborhood next to ours, and end up at my favorite store as the hard earned reward??

Almost 5 miles later, my trip to and from Target was more eye-opening than I imagined.

It was awesome to walk as if I was still in the city – having a destination always helps, in my point of view – and it brought back so many memories of my weekly trips up Lincoln Ave. to the Trader Joe’s. It was crisp outside and the sky was as blue as it could be. We even stopped at a park so that Charlie could play for a bit. I sat on a bench and took in all the sights and sounds of my new surroundings.

And as we left Target and started our trek back home, I took my time strolling through the neighboring subdivision.

The homes start in the 450’s. Start. Meaning that they go upwards of a cool million.

To be honest, I’m used to seeing these kinds of homes in the city – single family homes are not uncommon where we used to live. But here in Texas, where bigger is (I guess) better, a cool million gets you a home the size of a football stadium.

I tried not to stare – and as Charlie pointed out all the trucks of men hanging Christmas lights on various homes (yes, apparently a lot of folks hire people to do this, which puzzles Vann to no end) – I found myself lingering in front of the beautiful tudor-style homes; pale, pale stone, turreted rooms, 3 car garages with yards that go on for miles…and presumably custom all the way – chef’s kitchens, hand-scraped hardwood floors, you name it.

I bring this all up to say that it dawned on me that as I was walking I was coveting what these people have. Truly. Coveting the next thing – totally ignoring our own beautiful new (to us) home and all of our dreams for it – and thinking, “So in our next house…”

I called Vann, breathless, as if I’d discovered the cure for cancer, talking a mile a minute about what I was seeing.

And you know what I learned??

It’s never enough.

And my perception of these people in these million dollar homes? Well, chances are it’s never enough for them either.

This past year I’ve spent so much time pining for the simple pleasures of owning a home: my own washer and dryer, a parking spot that we don’t share with someone else, a fireplace.

And all I can think about…is what I don’t have.

The devil LOVES that, doesn’t he??

He loves making you feel small…making you feel as though what you are and what you have is never enough, doesn’t he??

And so the myth of this financial perfection lives on…and I fall for it every time. If you live in a house like that, you must be perfect. Your life is perfect.

If you are a celebrity, you don’t have to shop at Ikea.

If you are dropping thousands of dollars shopping out of the Neiman Marcus Christmas book, well then you must have more than $100 in your savings account.

All lies.

All pieces of the devil’s puzzle of discontent. Sounds like a movie, right? Or a novel…

At any rate, as I pulled around the corner of our subdivision and walked up my street, I looked at our beautiful house and wondered what person needed more than that. Truly, how can that not be enough?

Pebbles

2010-11-08T20:30:00.001-08:00

We never got any great shots of Baby E during our Trick or Treat extravaganza. Good thing Ms. Marla had Kelly and Ryan’s party the following week – it gave Baby Pebbles another opportunity to shine. I’d say she’s a pretty cute cavegirl, wouldn’t you??

This makes me think…

2010-11-08T20:24:00.001-08:00

…that maybe this jumper should be retired. Short, are we???

The Christmas List.

2010-11-03T13:27:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I know that the upcoming season is not really about giving or getting gifts. I know that the TRUE reason for the season is the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ…but I can’t help but love it for many other reasons. It is such a glorious time, truly, by far my favorite time of year (next to Fall). I always get the blues a bit after New Year’s – I just adore decorating, picking out the perfect gift for your loved one, winter-scented candles – the works.

I grew up in a very Christmas-centric family. Every year, for as long as I can remember, Santa’s left goodies under the tree. Milk and cookies were put out, even though we knew my Dad was the one to blame for the empty plate the next morning. We always hung stockings, and let’s not forget the freshly baked cinnamon rolls and hearty breakfast my Mom always made for us after the excitement of present-opening was done.

Since Vann and I have been married, we’ve continued some of these traditions, stockings for one. We each get a budget and the challenge is to find all of those little, fun, unexpected goodies that you know will make each other smile. We’ve done bigger gifts as well: last year, in the heat of learning how to breastfeed and battling through those first sleepless nights (in an apartment that was way too small for our growing family), “Santa” surprised me with the most beautiful Louis Vuitton bag. It was such a special gift, a once in a blue moon sort of thing, painstakingly picked out by my caring hubby. I think he knew what our 2010 would look like – a Louis bag is certainly not going to be in Santa’s sleigh this year!

And of course that’s ok.

I find that I’m having a difficult time accepting that I won’t be able to do all of the things I want to do this year: replace our slim, apartment-sized tree with a bigger tree, buy all sorts of seasonal items to decorate our home, hang lights on the outside – these are just a few. I think it might be more prudent to pay off our appliances first. Boo.

So as I sit here and think about my Christmas list (yes, I know I’m 32 but I still make one and probably always will – my love language is gifts, by the way) I’m trying to figure out which way to go.

Cash is always nice. What person doesn’t want a little extra spending money around the holidays? Maybe I can ask Santa to call Sears and tell them to stop sending us bills? Do you think he’d just write them a check? I admit it’d help me sleep better at night. Or how ‘bout paying off the rest of what we owe on our car? I think that’s somewhere around $5,000. Do you think Santa has that kind of money?

But I digress.

There do happen to be a few small things that I'd like, but I’m still mulling it over. I keep telling myself that what we can’t do this year, hopefully we can make up for next year. And I guess the girls won’t really understand if Santa only brings them one gift vs. the three that I had decided would be “the” number (because, after all, if it’s good enough for Baby Jesus, it’s good enough for them)…

Maybe my letter to Santa should read like this:

Dear Santa,

Can we just be frank?? Will you please erase the memory of our horrific move (emotionally and financially) and just let me go ahead and hang all the garland I want to this Christmas??

Love,

Amanda

Halloween 2010: The Tentative Dinosaur

2010-11-01T14:14:00.001-07:00

I really wasn’t sure we were going to make it out the door last night – for some reason Charlie woke up on the wrong side of the bed and threw the mother of all tantrums, just because, I think. We repeatedly sentenced her to the “green chair” in the office to calm down but when she started kicking the office door glass panes – well, let’s just say her bottom was a bright shade of red.

When we explained to her that Baby Ella was going to “get all of her candy”, she shaped up real fast.

I was surprised at how earnest the kids were – we had to sneak out the back door because they were ringing our doorbell at 6 pm! One girl walked up to me with NO costume on and held out her PURSE to get candy. For goodness sakes, have you no shame???!!!

The girls held out for quite awhile, in fact, after making a special point to visit some new friends, we didn’t get home till after 9 pm (which you know is a super late bedtime for our girls).

True or False:

I might have been drinking beer while we were walking.

I might have binged on Snickers and Twix while we were walking.

I might have binged on Kitkats when we got home.

And last but not least, I might have started the day today with a bag of M & M’s.

ALL TRUE.

Lord help me. This is NOT helping that whole “losing the last 5 pounds” thing.

Baby Ella

2010-10-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

This is only one of the many beautiful shots that Kelly took of our family a couple weeks ago. Baby Ella was sick and teething and somehow we still have images like this. We were SO pleased - if you live in the Dallas area, you HAVE to book a shoot with her!

Sneak Peek!

2010-10-19T10:01:00.001-07:00

I just happened to look at Kelly's blog to see if our pics were up and...gasp!

Walking A Road Not Yet Taken

2010-10-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

Remember this post? I can't get my sweet online mama friend out of my mind.

Do you ever have moments when you really fear life and death? I admit, I don't think about that kind of stuff too often - you know, where you have a flash of what life might be like without your husband, children, family, etc.? Don't know why, but last night lying in bed with Vann asleep next to me, I had that thought. I thought of my friend L, and wondered how she is doing, how she is able to care for her three other children, love her husband.

I've read babylost mamas feel like one day they are one person and the next day they are another. Life takes on a different hue, a different light. I think about this sometimes when I feel frustrated with the girls and need some peace. What would the world look like if either of them was to leave it, having known them and loved them and birthed them?

I've been following this blog called Salty/Sweet. Oh man. What a story.

L got a tattoo of Cullen's first initial on the inside of her wrist. Now that's something tangible, something you see everyday, a reminder of what you have lost and what still remains. I could see myself doing the same thing.

Which makes me think that without Jesus, how in the world do you have any peace about the afterlife and where we go when we leave this place?

I know that L is going to share Cullen's birth story with all of us soon. I am anxious to hear what happened that day. I messaged her and told her that I wished we were "real life friends" so I could know her and love her and let her just be...here. Here's what she wrote back:

Amanda -

It is words like yours that somehow bring me peace. Knowing that other people whom I have never even ‘met’ in the real world care about his story is so very comforting. There are so many friends that come in and out of our lives- some that we can see, others that we talk to. Both are treasures. Somehow everything that has come out of this blog has been comfort and support. There is no greater gift for me right now so thank you my friend.

Love and grace- L

Photo Shoot

2010-10-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

We had our Christmas photo shoot today. I love having natural light, photojournalistic pics taken. Love it. My obsession started with our wedding photos - and has continued with countless pics of Charlie. Poor Baby E hasn't had one professional pic taken of her this year, and I had so hoped we'd get some good ones today.

Unfortunately E is still a little sick. She's also teething or something because she is drooling like she's got a faucet in her gums. She has been soaking through a bib an hour, seriously. Her little rash is still there and she's doing this funny thing with her tongue - licking her face constantly. We could not get her to keep her tongue in her mouth! Sweet Kelly (our photog) reassured me - if we didn't get a great solo pic of Ella, we can re-shoot her some morning during the week.

Charlie is a little more predictable these days when it comes to pics (most likely due to a little thing called bribery) but with a baby, you just NEVER KNOW.

I think professional pics are a great investment - they're classic. I know my girls will appreciate looking back at them over the years.

Will hopefully have some sneak peeks to share soon!

Life and Pumpkins

2010-10-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

Last week Ms. Marla invited the girls and I to the Dallas Arboretum to see the fall pumpkin houses. So fun, but SO crowded. All was going well until Charlie stepped into a wading pool (wasn't watching where she was going) and got soaked up to her knees. I think the water must have been cold because she screamed like crazy - I did manage to catch her before the rest of her got wet, but it was traumatic nonetheless.

Luckily, I had an extra pair of pants in my bag, and two suckers later, my girl perked up and we finished up our visit and headed over to my grandmother's house to meet up with Mimi, Poppy and Owen. I LOVE that Charlie has cousins her age - I never did. I cherish these times and realize - THIS is why we moved back.

It is not lost on me that my relationships with my family seem stronger than they ever have. Times of great stress or tragedy will do that, but I think it's more than that. In the past 10 years I've had to limit my visits to 2-3 times a YEAR. Since we've been here I've crashed with my younger brother and his wife after a night of partying, grabbed coffee with my older brother and kissed on my sweet nephew, and stood in the kitchen of my grandmother's house and cried with my grieving father. I feel so blessed to be here. This is what life is all about: relationships, love, fear, struggle, survival.

Just a little Cuteness

2010-10-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

E at the Punkin Patch

2010-10-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hats

2010-10-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

I got the girls the CUTEST hats on Etsy last week. So soft, and the flowers come off and are interchangeable. To die for, right??? They were made by NuxieMade. Check her out!!

Big Girl Room

2010-10-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

The Big Girl Room. Finally.

Still need a few things: curtains, a rug...but I'm really happy with how it turned out. My mom made the little green dress-up hanger and also painted and hung the Eiffel tower and frame.

Charlie's bedding is from Kukunest - the duvet was actually in the wash when I took this picture, but I wanted to show off her new sheets from PBK. Yesterday I walked out of there with a full sheet set for Charlie and chamois sheets for both girls - $125 worth of bedding that I got for $20. Gotta love giftcards, right???

The darling dresser is from a local gal who runs her own furniture refurbishing company, Urban Farmhouse. I heart it.

And the paint color? Only the most gaga-gorgeous pink, appropriately named "I Love Pink" from Benjamin Moore. Found it in House Beautiful magazine, and let me just tell you - it is adorable.

Fleas and all that Fun Stuff

2010-10-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

Quite a lot to blog about lately.

Here are a few life lessons as of late:

1. I shall never work in a clothing store. I volunteered at the baby consignment sale I consigned in last weekend and I'm not sure I'd like to repeat it. I did it because it allowed me to get 80% of my sales - but man, one 4 hour day and one 8 hour day later - and many, many pieces of clothing picked up off the floor and rehung - well, let's just say that people are not very considerate. And people STEAL things. Doesn't that just stink?? I had a very cute Babygap beret stolen from me - a person actually removed the tape off the bag and swiped it.

I'm glad I did the sale...but the clientele was not quite what I expected. Not much of my "good" stuff sold, which was a huge bummer...BUT out of 4 packed bins of clothing I came home with only one, and made almost $400. I got it all out of the house, and made some cash. I was hoping to clear a grand, but the customers just weren't buying the boutique stuff. And I guarantee you, my stuff was the best looking in the whole place! So, it's back to eBay to recoup some Christmas spending cash.

2. I thought we were almost out of the woods regarding sickness but then poor Baby E got the worst of it. Cough, runny nose, sneezing, etc. AND the worst rash on her face which had Vann very concerned until sweet Lauren told me not to worry - a very normal reaction to whatever virus she's contracted. Fortunately she's been sleeping well at night. I am praying that she is better by Friday - not only is the girl's cousin Owen coming for a visit but we have our Christmas card photo shoot on Saturday afternoon. Poor little girl.

3. The Bischoff house has fleas. Gross, I know. Please don't run screaming. What we thought was a normal grooming session for Siena last week turned out to include a fleabath and some Frontline. Don't ask me HOW she got fleas - the cat has never been out of the house. Ever. The only thing we can think of is that she must have gotten them during her stay in the "country" this summer. I didn't even think of it when she was shedding heavily and chewing on herself a lot...just never occurred to me that she would have fleas.

Siena is now all clear...and I'm afraid I was living in denial thinking they would just leave on their own.

I thought this up until the point I found BITEMARKS on Charlie.

I know.

So, $75 later - pest control is coming tomorrow and we will hopefully be rid of these anklebiters. It's probably not a bad idea to spray considering this is Texas and I've been told that bugs are just "part of it" - and we all know how I feel about invertebrates so - please, anything I can do to rid our world of bugs - so be it. But what a pain in the you know what!

Challenges

2010-10-06T15:05:00.000-07:00

I know I've mentioned Baby Ella's feeding challenges. Everybody always says, "Every baby is different" or "She'll get it eventually" etc. etc. but it really doesn't ease the worry you feel when your child is potentially behind in any area.

As time has progressed, we've noticed that Ella doesn't put anything in her mouth, let alone food. In fact, I don't remember the last time I saw her knawing on something. She will inspect things carefully - pick them up and study them, turning them over and over in her hands, even transferring them from hand to hand. She will pick a cheerio up, but only for a split second before she drops it.

She'll eat most things you put in her mouth. What we know for sure is that she loves pureed food. She gobbles it down...if you are feeding it to her.

I've tried leaving her in her seat with a tray full of finger foods and all she does is scream. We've smeared vanilla pudding on her tray (recommended by the pediatrician) to stimulate her taste buds and she just smushed it between her fingers. It's almost like the step between picking up the food and chewing it is missing...maybe it's her fine motor skills that need tuning?

Keeping in mind that she is not quite a year (a month to go as of this w/e!), I recognize she may just be late in the game on this one. But when she shows absolutely zero interest in feeding herself...well, I'm just starting to worry, to be honest.

So all this to say, we would really covet your prayers on E's development in this area. I would love for the lightbulb to just...go on. I would assume we can't even proceed with early intervention until she's officially reached a year anyway. Please pray for our patience too, as we allow her to develop in her own time.

Comfies

2010-10-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

The Good Life

2010-09-30T14:20:00.001-07:00

Happy Fall, Y'all!!!

2010-09-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

Adorable fall dress courtesy of Mommy Said Sew. Thanks, Ms. Liz!!

Sibling Rivalry

2010-09-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ha! Just got the irony of this picture.

I've had this terrible cough for a week now. I caught it from Vann, who caught it from Charlie, who I assume caught it from some cute little stinker at school. Probably not the last time sickness travels through our family.

Not fun for me however, because I've missed a week of the bootcamp I just signed up for, AND the opportunity to get outside with the jogger. The weather is finally cooling off, praise the Lord, so as soon as I kick this bug I'm outta here.

So, as I sit here in my pj's for the third day in a row, I thought I would share these pics I took yesterday.

You know that whole sibling rivalry thing? I find that it's already rearing its ugly head at their young age. No matter what E has in her hand, C wants it. She will drop whatever she's doing to snake it. And bless her heart, little E is finding her voice. And she's. not. going. to. take. it. anymore!!!

Running

2010-09-27T12:39:00.001-07:00